Being me - No Permission Required

I'm still glowing after being a guest on the amazing Malie Coyne's Parenting with Compassion show on Wednesday evening. I've done interviews before but this was different and I think that is because perhaps for the first time ever I'm truly practicing(most of the time) what I preach. You definitely don't need to be a parent to watch and  you can find it here on the Lust for Life website. 

Anyway in what has been an incredible year in many ways incredibly hard, scary, joyful, surreal I have found myself inspired to write again.
This time without the pressure of it needing to be such an inspiring masterpiece that publishers are falling over themselves to sign me (though of course my ego and I think that would be pretty great), also not writing with the goal being to "fix" anyone else (though if you enjoy it, again ego and I would love to hear from you).
I'm not committing to writing daily/weekly/monthly  either, would love to get to the laptop once a week but only if it feels right and I guess I'll write whatever comes up on the day!

Also I've been thinking of reading & recording the blogs because I love reading out loud (yep I was that kid in school)  and because I could do with learning to speak a bit slower!

When was the last time you felt amazing? With no doubt? Something I've asked myself recently.

When I was about three years old I remember standing and twirling in front of the mirror, in awe of my own fabulousness (which as far as I know isn't a word but it is now). That little girl knew with every fiber of her being who she was, what she wanted and the phenomenal life she deserved.

So, how come 37 years later I found myself burnt out, feeling worthless and exhausted sobbing in a psychotherapists office? And unable to answer her one question

"What are your needs Hannah?"

It seems such a simple thing to ask doesn't it? But beyond the absolute basic need of "Sleep. I have a baby and I'm so tired,please find a way I can sleep" I had absolutely no idea, and being confronted with that was terrifying, suddenly it seemed as if my whole life was a blur, as if all my goals and dreams from the past were ridiculous and worst of all if I didn't seem to know who I was at all.

What I (think) I want to write about and share along the way is the journey, my struggles with body image,low self worth, depression,anxiety, overwhelm, being a Mum. How I'm trying to break the never ending cycle of high expectations, people pleasing and perfection and instead treat myself with compassion and reconnect and learn from the little version of me.

This is my Joy Project and this is me aged about 3 feeling like the Super Star my t-shirt declares - she had her self love shit together & hadn't yet met her inner critic.
 This picture now sits on my kitchen window and helps me stop, pause & remember who I am when I'm being particularly unkind to myself. 

It has at times been a down on your knees, face in the dirt, clawing to survive kind of journey the sort I've been on many times before but this time it's been different because for the first time in a long time I'm tasting the freedom of being my authentic self without guilt and without any permission required.

Hannah Lilly x

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