Monday, 15 May 2017

Difficult Roads Often Lead to Beautiful Destinations

11th May 2017
Our beautiful baby Charlie was born at 00.14 on 28th April a bundle of pure joy...more pictures and updates on my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/hannahlillyjoyhunter/ you can follow me there and/or over on Instagram @hannahlillybella 
So happy that since his birth the inspiration to begin writing again has struck and here is my latest blog.

Join me and the Joy Project community at https://www.facebook.com/hannahlillyjoyproject/
Difficult Roads Often Lead to Beautiful Destinations

In November 2014 my son who was six at the time & I went to a local fireworks display. As he squeezed my hand and excitedly squealed with joy at the shower of lights in the sky I stood with my hood pulled tightly around my face so he and everyone else wouldn't be able to see that I was crying.
My mind was throwing at me a constant stream of abuse how "I was a terrible mother, an ugly, fat, horrible, selfish & worthless human so wrapped up in my own pity party that I couldn't even fake excitement at the fireworks for my son"
I remembered a conversation I'd had with a friend about all my plans for the future & how we'd have a celebration party with fireworks when I began working as a motivational speaker & wrote my book - and told myself what a stupid fool I was to ever think I could do such things.
My beautiful daughter was with her Dad watching from the car park because she had been feeling unwell - something else I criticised myself for not being able to show her the care she deserved because I was consumed by my own self loathing.
Many nights after that one I would scream into my pillow so no one could hear me, it felt like there would never be an escape from the way I was feeling. It was a living hell and I couldn't bear it, I didn't want to escape life but escape myself and could see no way out. I truly believed that Christian and the kids would be better off without me.
What changed?
I showed myself a first kindness by allowing myself to be a flawed human being (none of us are perfect that's the beauty of being human) & a chance to make things better.
By following daily joy triggers gratitude, love, kindness, daily doses of fresh air, writing about how I felt, self care, I continued on my journey & day by day the road became less difficult. As I became a friend to me & allowed myself to see and feel all the joy & love that existed in my life.
Because that's the thing, all the amazing good that is in my life now existed back then but I didn't allow myself to feel or see it.
Now two weeks after the birth of Charlie and two and a half years since the night of the fireworks I can't believe how content I am and I am so grateful for each and every moment of my life and the beautiful people in it.
Now I have times when I doubt myself, feel anxious or find myself trying to control everything (day 3 after he was born I wandered about the house crying, in pain & feeling unnatractive!!)but deep breaths, trust & gratitude always bring me back to now.
We never know whats coming around the corner but the storms - from the small daily stresses to the devastating life changers- all have a rainbow waiting to appear when we are ready to see it. 💗🌈💗

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