Monday, 15 May 2017

Difficult Roads Often Lead to Beautiful Destinations

11th May 2017
Our beautiful baby Charlie was born at 00.14 on 28th April a bundle of pure joy...more pictures and updates on my facebook page you can follow me there and/or over on Instagram @hannahlillybella 
So happy that since his birth the inspiration to begin writing again has struck and here is my latest blog.

Join me and the Joy Project community at
Difficult Roads Often Lead to Beautiful Destinations

In November 2014 my son who was six at the time & I went to a local fireworks display. As he squeezed my hand and excitedly squealed with joy at the shower of lights in the sky I stood with my hood pulled tightly around my face so he and everyone else wouldn't be able to see that I was crying.
My mind was throwing at me a constant stream of abuse how "I was a terrible mother, an ugly, fat, horrible, selfish & worthless human so wrapped up in my own pity party that I couldn't even fake excitement at the fireworks for my son"
I remembered a conversation I'd had with a friend about all my plans for the future & how we'd have a celebration party with fireworks when I began working as a motivational speaker & wrote my book - and told myself what a stupid fool I was to ever think I could do such things.
My beautiful daughter was with her Dad watching from the car park because she had been feeling unwell - something else I criticised myself for not being able to show her the care she deserved because I was consumed by my own self loathing.
Many nights after that one I would scream into my pillow so no one could hear me, it felt like there would never be an escape from the way I was feeling. It was a living hell and I couldn't bear it, I didn't want to escape life but escape myself and could see no way out. I truly believed that Christian and the kids would be better off without me.
What changed?
I showed myself a first kindness by allowing myself to be a flawed human being (none of us are perfect that's the beauty of being human) & a chance to make things better.
By following daily joy triggers gratitude, love, kindness, daily doses of fresh air, writing about how I felt, self care, I continued on my journey & day by day the road became less difficult. As I became a friend to me & allowed myself to see and feel all the joy & love that existed in my life.
Because that's the thing, all the amazing good that is in my life now existed back then but I didn't allow myself to feel or see it.
Now two weeks after the birth of Charlie and two and a half years since the night of the fireworks I can't believe how content I am and I am so grateful for each and every moment of my life and the beautiful people in it.
Now I have times when I doubt myself, feel anxious or find myself trying to control everything (day 3 after he was born I wandered about the house crying, in pain & feeling unnatractive!!)but deep breaths, trust & gratitude always bring me back to now.
We never know whats coming around the corner but the storms - from the small daily stresses to the devastating life changers- all have a rainbow waiting to appear when we are ready to see it. 💗🌈💗

No comments:

Post a Comment