Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Hit With Fear & Doubt - What Then?

Tuesday 9th August

To join me in The Joy Project  community go to 
https://www.facebook.com/groups/986869201431741/
If you have any questions email hannahlillyfitness@gmail.com or go to twitter or message me on face book at Hannah Lilly Motivation


Lately I seem to switch between super productive, everything is possible mode and its polar opposite procrastination, fear and doubt.
The last few days have been the latter and so I've turned to the blog because writing has always been a positive way for me to get to the root of things or even just get it off my chest.

Perhaps I've been unwittingly putting pressure on myself with the creation of the joy project, and an expectation of what it will be, what people will think about it and pressure on myself to be the perfect example of all following it can bring.

Because that is the thing, there is no perfect yet its still a trap I find myself falling into and then on the mornings that I wake with anxiety in my chest it seems worse because I'm thinking "What are you anxious for? Why do you feel this way? How can you possibly create a project with the aim to bring more joy to others if your feeling like crap?" pressure, pressure, pressure.

I was trying to write a blog for The Huffing Post about it but the words wouldn't come, reading back over my last blog post it seemed like a sales pitch(though that could be me being hard on myself!) as if I was trying to convince people to be a part of it. 
From the moment I began blogging and my own experiment in 2014 it was never about trying to convince people, or saying "this is the right way and the only way" 
It worked for me and for other people who've worked with me but its about everyone finding and doing what feels good for them. Its wonderful to hear people say something I shared has helped them or that I'm an inspiration(though it does still feel strange) but if I put all my self worth in that then what happens if someone says it is a pile of rubbish!
Of course I want it to go well, I'm human and it would be fantastic if everyone involved loved the experience but I can't control any of that and creating the Joy Project and asking others to join me wasn't a part of my plan for the year.

 It came in a sudden idea simply because I had been having a few weeks of feeling down and overwhelmed. I forced myself to write down a list of my achievements on an A3 sheet and stick it to my wall on another I wrote down everything I wanted from life. Seeing what had happened since I began my experiment in print in front of me was amazing and it just made me think, how it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to repeat it myself. No sooner had I made that decision than I thought how great it would be to share the process with others and the Joy Project was born. 


Sometimes I think I'll never have a bad day again and then one lands in my lap. My eating disorder is truly gone, yes recovery is possible but I see now that for me the eating disorder and behaviour was a symptom of the way I felt, a way to distract myself from the anxiety that as a child I didn't know how to cope with and once the behaviour is gone I was still left needing to know how to deal with all the feelings I'd distracted myself from for years.

Self kindness, gratitude, fresh air, kindness to others, visualising the life I wanted and learning more about the law of attraction - these things all helped me do that and I believe that the more I continue practising them and the more I continue on my journey of self discovery the more good will come into my life.

Self kindness is probably the one I have the most difficulty with especially lately with allowing myself to share how I'm feeling.  I've been working on creating retreats and workshops but the fear can hit when I have an off day because I think "if I share how I'm feeling no one will come!" 

But I'm working on it and I know that the biggest step in self kindness is allowing ourselves to be who we are with all our wonderful flaws and imperfections.

 For me the positives in my life since 2014 - although I have still had periods of time that I haven't felt great- far outweigh the negatives. I have felt love, joy, excitement and gratitude more in the last 18 months than in the 35 years of my life before and its because of The Joy Project that I now know how good it feels to turn a shitty day into one that ends with me smiling, to know that I'm enough regardless of how my body looks or whatever is going on in my life. And I also know that on the days I choose to forget all that I can when I'm ready choose to remember again!


This Cherokee Legend sums up the Joy Project without over complicating it ...its about trying each day to make choices that feed the good inside of us and in our lives and knowing that even on the days we don't we can start again.



https://soundcloud.com/dcfm-1032/mental-health-laid-bare-2nd-august-2016?in=dcfm-1032/sets/mental-health-laid-bare

To join The Joy Project  community go to 
https://www.facebook.com/groups/986869201431741/
If you have any questions email hannahlillyfitness@gmail.com or go to twitter or message me on face book at Hannah Lilly Motivation







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