Saturday 6th Feb
Written on my nearly broken phone so may be a few typo's!
Thursday as you most probably know was one year since I began my experiment to try and change how I feel about myself and my life - very definitely a success. If you look at in terms of what we traditionally call success all the external achievements are quite something but...what I have been aware of for quite some time but not fully felt until now is that it doesn't matter. Not in ungrateful way at all but simply a realisation that none of the "stuff" the "goals" really matter as in they don't bring lasting fulfilment, we tend to just move onto the next one,the fulfilment seems to lie in the ability to feel good and see the joy in the moment.
I've been reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle lately and everything he describes it seems has been happening to me and it feels as if the whole year led to this. Slowly peeling away layers of the things that didn't serve me, all the time getting closer to the joy that is inside us all. Then almost a year in (Dec) and I realised it was time to feel the emotions I didn't even know I was suppressing - it was intense and a shock, I wasn't expecting a year later to be crying in my bed feeling a torrent of emotions I thought I'd left behind - something I will definitely write more about.
I have been having "ahas" thick and fast right up to this week, found myself in the moment much more frequently and then yesterday it came clear that all that mattered was now.
I am off to California in two and a half weeks and considering I'd been visualising Los Angeles since day one of my experiment it is of course that is lovely, but...would you believe me (and I almost don't believe myself)I have no attachment to the trip. Finding out that not feeling attachment/expectations to things is freeing because they have no power over you if taken away or if they don't go to plan (I also realised that I no longer have an attachment to my body just gratitude for it but that is a whole other blog! ) All that is arranged and paid for is my flights and first two nights accommodation. This fact would have normally had me frantic with anxiety but right now I feel calm and sure that it will all work out.
Who knows what will happen in all those moments between now and then.
Control is an illusion has been that when we're on the right path it feels almost
And perhaps one of the biggest lessons this year has been that when we're on the right path it feels almost effortless, that inside each of us is all the answers we need. Your true self your joy is in there under all those suppressed emotions, limiting beliefs and it wants only the best for you. All the comfort we need, the care, the love and the answers they all exist inside us already and somehow following the rules of my experiment led me closer to mine.
What a year, who knows what the next one will bring but for sure I will be trying to follow my joy in each moment because it that has been the greatest gift from this whole experience - the ability to be, here, now.