Tuesday 16th February
Written rather quickly but I needed to get it out because I was feeling a little confused about a decision I made and when I write the truth comes out no matter what.
On Sunday I cancelled my trip to California and amongst other things the opportunity to attend the launch of 20 Beautiful Women Volume 3 https://20beautifulwomen.com/hannah-lilly/
in L.A. Now ever since I began my experiment on 4th Feb 2015 I have been visualizing California, I have been feeling the sun on my back and to get to be there for not just a holiday but as a published author - wow!
So this was not an impulse decision but one based on a strange feeling I had been carrying around for a while almost an uneasiness. Something I've experienced before and it has always been when something I'm doing isn't in synch with my intention.
You know how you'd feel if you said something bitchy about someone and later on that feeling is hanging about that you weren't behaving the way you want to? Well that's the closest way I can describe the feeling I've been having about this trip.
I tried to ignore it put it down to anxiety about the cost or the fact I had nothing planned or booked for the last 4 days of the trip. Maybe it was fear of the unknown- stepping outside of my comfort zone. Was I sabotaging my dreams and goals?
But I knew deep down it was none of those things and I can't even tell you how I knew except I did and along with this uneasy feeling was the fact that each night as I fell asleep my mind would begin writing chapters of my book The Joy Hunt and in that dozy state I would sometimes jump up and write notes other times too tired I would see the pages in my mind and hope I could remember the words. Then each morning first thing when I open my eyes "write the book" as if it is being shouted at me. If you are creative in any way and definitely if you procrastinate at all... I thoroughly recommend reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/
she describes beautifully how an idea will come to you eager to be shared, to be discovered but it's not going to hang about forever if your not going to stick to your side of the deal. This book wants to be written and I have a choice to talk about writing it but distract myself with lots of other very important things or to take the equally exciting and terrifying step of turning that talk into action and writing it.
I talk about following your joy. An experiment that started off as simply a way to try and feel better about my life and to stop hating my body turned into something that transformed my life in ways beyond my imagination. It became my Joy Hunt and showed me that the real true and lasting joy is inside. It is not in how our bodies look, our houses, jobs, bank balance, holidays - yes we can have really enjoyable experiences through those things but the powerful feeling of peace comes- in the spaces between our fast moving lives and the negative self talk that pops up- when you feel so deeply and know that we are so much more than all of the external things our lives can so easily get filled with.
And that joy inside wants to lead you to where you are meant to be and I think that when we are in tune with that joy, that inner voice we know because it feels effortless it feels good.
Last week I said that I would commit to following my joy and that the only discomfort I would put up with is the cold sweat, terrifying fear of taking action because the joy is on the other side. I know that feeling only too well. Last week I had my first ever video interview at midnight and right before it started I was shivering with nerves (link below) but the moment it started that peace filled me and I knew it was what I was meant to be doing.
That is how I feel when I write. Writing is my joy. Which is why today when my mind was doing it's utmost to make me question my decision to not go, when I was feeling like as if I was letting down people who the opportunity would mean so much to. I knew that if I sat at the laptop and blogged about it my real truth would come out and it has.
I'll be in California and I'll feel the sun on my back and look out at the Pacific Ocean this I know for sure and when I do it will be exactly as it is meant. But I also know right now that my sparkly, exciting and terrifying joy comes right now from not knowing what's ahead but knowing that it is meant.
"You are not your body, career, home, bank balance or relationships. You are not your mistakes, regrets or fears. You are all the sparkle, love and joy you were born with. Will you follow it where it wants you to go?"
1st June 2016
The day after I wrote this blog my Uncle Allan - a truly amazing man was taken into hospital and he died on the 20th February. Because I had cancelled my trip for no apparent reason other than my "gut" I was able to be in the UK with both him and my Aunt Fiona, a privilege and gift that I will be forever grateful for.
We have such power inside of all of us - our intuition- when we allow ourselves to feel what it is telling us and it wants to guide us where we are meant to go.