Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Difficult Day

Tuesday 9th February

This blog has always been the place I can face my fears and the fear that I think has always had the most power over me is the fear of failing, of letting people down.

On Saturday I wrote a blog about the amazing peace I was feeling and how true joy is in the ability to be present and in the moment. Which I still definitely know to be true - when you can just feel now without any thoughts at all it is amazing and it is something that has come to me more and more as the time has gone by and especially lately as I've found myself led more often by my gut feeling and my joy rather than my mind and the negative self talk (ego).
But I have also become more and more aware of how the ego wants attention & perhaps more so when I've had days or even weeks of feeling carefree, peaceful & present.
And this happened! Yesterday and today I found myself waking up feeling that heaviness in my chest, almost a sadness accompanied by that on edge tenseness of anxiety.
When this happens I almost don't want to be follow any of my joy triggers - that is ego - tricking me into thinking that none of it really works. This morning I felt miserable, I didn't want to do anything, didn't want to face anything including how I was feeling. But as always happens deep down that true part of me says  "come on ..this is not the way you are meant to be" and today I found it asking me "what are you afraid of?"
Because that is what anxiety is - fear of an imagined thought appearing real, maybe a fear of what others are thinking - when we don't know what others are thinking at all.
And I knew what I was afraid of.
Failure, letting people down, being a fraud.
What??? You may say. How come?
Because on Saturday I wrote how peaceful I was feeling and how carefree I felt about life & my trip to LA . When this morning I didn't feel that way at all - I felt panicky and overwhelmed about how I would afford it and almost ready to cancel my trip. Tomorrow I have a live interview at midnight (I'll post the link today) and it was starting to panic me - because I know how much it means to the creator of the series and I wanted to be a good guest (How about just be yourself?). Because I felt this way today my ego and my negative self talk started in full swing telling me how I'm a fraud telling people how good you can feel, how to find joy - 'look at you now!'

Link for the interview - click on here at 7pm EST/4pm PST/12am GMT (yes that is midnight for anyone including me on GMT-) and you will be able to watch live. Thanks for the support.
Also promote on your own social media. Encourage every one to come and watch it live here;

But by admitting to myself my fears it gave the anxiety and the negative talk less power and I started to feel better. Also reminding myself of how far I've come in a pretty short time.
My ego wanted me to stay sad - my children wanted pancakes -so that's what I did focused on that moment and making some stick to the pan, nearly late for school pancakes for my children who sometimes make my heart want to burst with love.

Because in the moment that was all that mattered. Stress pulls us in so many different directions and we end up giving nothing the attention it deserves.

This blog will always be about honesty and it will always be about the hunt for joy.
Maybe I'll one day never have days that I wake feeling like I did today but even if they always come around every now and then  I will also know that all the tools  I need to get back to joy I possess..love, kindness vulnerability, gratitude and that it is the sour moments that make the sweet ones all the more beautiful.
Maybe the fact that I get few sours makes the hunt for joy more achievable and realistic for others.

I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, today does not feel yet like Saturday did -it could yet- but everything I say and do comes with honesty and love and tomorrow that is how I will approach the interview  - truthfully.

Before I began my experiment a day like today could go for weeks, with me wearing a mask of perfection and control as I desperately tried to hold back tears and frustration usually distracting myself with some new diet!

Life truly is a hunt for Joy and mine has already been successful many times over.

Our Joy wants to be captured but sometimes gets kidnapped by ego...gratitude, kindness ,love to others and yourself, generosity, authenticity & vulnerability are all really good at giving joy the upper hand.

The link below will bring you to the show so you can watch live tomorrow 7pm EST/ 4pm PST/ 12.00am GMT -yes midnight for those of us on GMT
Thanks so much for your support it helps to calm my nerves - run at the fear to spread the joy.

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