Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Feel the Fear & Run at It

Wednesday 27th January 2016

Sometimes you just have to run at the fear head on, full speed, and feel it in every cell. Acknowledge it. Then as suddenly as it appeared it is gone and you are filled up with joy.” – Hannah Lilly

This isn’t a blog with any particular message or theme but a catch up, a hello and I’ve missed you. Last night I got a message from someone I know who’s not on face book but they have followed the blog for a long time and it’s so good to hear that they have taken from my experience and applied some of it to their own life and that it has made a positive difference and it reminded me that the whole point was to share even if at times that makes me feel vulnerable.

When I sat at this very same laptop on 4th Feb 2015 I typed that “this is an experiment with the hope that I will feel better and that  perhaps my experience will have a positive effect on others” – well I’m not an IT girl as you most probably know by now, I never did anything to make the blog come up high on google search engines and on the odd times I would try something with that goal in mind it would feel inauthentic which totally takes away from the point of this -honesty  . I wrote for therapy and I knew that whoever needed to read it would. It has now had over 43,000 views which sounds like quite a lot to me- compared to Kim Kardashian it is a miniscule amount but I’d be lying if I said that hearing from people who have changed how they feel about themselves since reading it didn’t make me glow inside.

And here I am almost a year later and with honesty in mind I’m going to tell you that the last few month or so hasn’t been all smooth sailing. If I was to simply write where I am now on paper – sure why don’t I it would read like this…

Almost one year since beginning my experiment and since I have transformed the way I feel about myself and my life, my relationship with my children is infinitely better, my eating disorder has long since left my life, I’ve been on the radio, in the newspaper, I’ve met Jack Canfield, I write for the Huffington Post, last week I became a bestselling published author as the book I co-authored- 20 Beautiful Women Volume 3- hit number one on Amazon, I have started being invited to and paid to speak, my beginners run clubs are as popular as ever and I’m in the process of working on an online program, I now  also work one on one as a life coach, in one month I’m due to fly to Los Angeles for the book launch, have met Jack Canfield and am training as a Success Principles Coach am working on a book of my own and have the support of an amazing team in America….

Well it sounds good doesn’t it? And it is good. But as I’ve gone along on this journey of self-discovery I’ve become so aware that all the “things/achievements” they don’t bring joy. I am beyond grateful but in fact if we get too attached to things and achievements we give them the power to control how we feel. I am working hard right now but also to remain aware of the fact that most of the amazing things that happened to me this year happened when I let go, when I had complete faith and trust that what was meant for me was here and was coming.

With each achievement can come a new feeling of responsibility and can set my mind racing 20 Beautiful Women – I need to set up a page for online sales of the eBook and set up a consult about selling the book in large quantities to business’s for their female employees…come to think of it I really need a website at this stage…money for the website…money to buy books…maybe I’ll set up a website myself…time…..California……working on new talk content for schools…maybe I could apply for a business loan…… you get the idea so it was no surprise when I began to start feeling a bit pressured, burdened , overwhelmed and if I’m honest lonely.

Now in my old life is I felt pressured and overwhelmed I would have swallowed it right back down and concentrated on dieting, exercise and perhaps some kind of mission to clean out the kitchen cupboards! But having left those behaviours behind when they started to come up this time I had to face them. This is a subject that I could devote a whole book to, which perhaps I might , but what happened was that not only did I begin to feel these feelings I became so aware of how familiar they were and how I had felt them and suppressed them for a long time.

If I look at the whole process of my experiment it has been like peeling an onion, and I believe that inside all of us is pure joy that gets wrapped in layers of doubt, fear, low self-esteem, limiting beliefs that we create as children about ourselves and life, every experience, every hurt and each time we feel something we perceive as negative but don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it there goes another layer.

From the beginning, from day one layers would just melt away. Gratitude, kindness, love, switching negative to positive these all revealed more of that joy and that is how remarkably something like a lifelong eating disorder just vanished and the better I felt the more good would come into my life. Now I see that the eating disorder was my way of trying to control how I felt and distract myself from deep rooted fears and beliefs that had come from my childhood. As big a deal as the eating disorder seemed it was in fact only surface stuff and after a year of living without it, of following my joy all of a sudden the universe decided it was time for me to face it.

I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t afraid. Not unlike how I felt last year when I decided to face the state I was in and share it with the world.I was petrified, terrified, ice cold sweats pure fear at the idea of delving down deeper but the fact that such fear could be produced at the sheer idea of going deeper into my thoughts only proved to me that it cannot be good for our health mental or physical to keep them supressed and that ever since the day I thought about ending my life but heard a whisper which was for sure my true self saying “you are meant to get through this, because you are meant to show that you can” it might sound crazy but even then I knew deep down that was true.

I’m also not going to write about the whole experience now but I knew that if I didn’t face it and follow what my gut was saying that I was selling myself short and everyone who I promised since the beginning of this blog to share what is possible with. I will tell you that I did delve deeper and I ran head first into that fear and on the other side of it was even more joy and a deeper awareness of what is really important in life.

The gift of inner peace is something we can only give ourselves. No one else can do it for you and no one else can give it to you.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster these last few weeks, and I had my moments when I thought “my god what is going on here- has this past year not really worked at all?” when in fact it had worked on a greater level than I ever could have imagined and all those little steps, those rules that I now call joy triggers each time brought me closer and closer to the joy and I’ve decided to really go back to basics to following those triggers each day, to not getting distracted by all the “things” I need to do and doing instead the things that bring me joy or if not are the little scary steps on the path to joy.

So it’s back to basics. Using the triggers and feeding the joy. Letting go of trying to control the future, letting go of worrying about money and thinking what if…

Sitting here at my kitchen table before I wrote this I stared uninterrupted for about 10 minutes at two birds in my garden, no thoughts passed through my head, nothing just pure stillness, a contentment being me and being still. It is a gift, a presence that comes from peeling that onion!

Thank you as always for being a part of this journey, I hope this blog makes sense to you and I will let you know when I have books available. Have an amazing day. It is  each our own responsibility to live this life and to experience what really matters - everything you need, you have already inside.
Oh on the off chance that anyone reading this blog knows or knows how to contact Eckhart Tolle - please let me know! I have a very strong feeling that I am meant to meet him and got an urge to come back and write that sentence so you know me- always following my gut!


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