Monday 16th November
I’ve used this quiet time in my hotel room in Philadelphia before the conference starts tomorrow to write and begin reading back through my blog from the beginning as I work on the book I’m writing about my 182 day experiment. The book has evolved even since I’ve been here and as I ask myself the question “what is the key message?” reading through it the early posts almost seem as if they have been written by somebody else and the level of vulnerability I thought I was reaching seems so slight(even though to many people reading those first blogs they felt it was too honest too personal because they told me so) compared to how honestly I feel I can share now and how comfortably I feel I can be myself and share how I’m feeling now.
And it is a mixture of events the many messages I received from people before flying out here telling me to “be myself”, the sudden bout of nerves I got this afternoon at the idea of all the people who are going to be at the conference tomorrow, that first day at school feeling of being so different and a fear of not fitting in – but of course we are all so different so trying to fit in is a pointless and always unsatisfactory way to spend our time, watching Oprah Winfrey speak about how all that matters is “being yourself”, I text Christian for reassurance but it was my own words that had the answer "I know I want to be true to me and speak my truth"
And in the midst of all of these triggers my mind cleared and I realized the destination of the journey my 182 day experiment had become.
Not a journey to overcome an Eating Disorder.
Not a journey to be happy.
Not a journey to love myself.
Not a journey to be a better, mother, friend, girlfriend.
Not a journey to let go of the past or create my future.
Not a journey to help others.
Not a journey to boost myself esteem.
Not even a journey to be the best version of myself.
I may have thought at stages its purpose was to do one or all of these things but I now know it was simply
A journey of allowing myself to be me.
In achieving that I achieved everything else... A 182 Day Experiment that started out as a way to simply feel better but it became so much more .Enabling me to say farewell to a life time of body shame because it allowed me to uncover, reveal and live as my authentic self.