Wednesday 14th October
I really wanted to blog about this week- please excuse any spelling mistakes and I hope it makes sense because I must admit to being a little overtired.
Early night for me tonight.
The last seven days have been intense– with three deadlines- my chapter for 20 Beautiful Women, a piece for the Sunday Independent (that I only found out about at the end of last week but was of course really excited to do), a guest blog, planning the content for my Choose & Create Your Life talk this coming Saturday, emails and coaching calls and of course my run clubs.
Amazing. But I found myself waking feeling a little stressed and despite doing all the things that would normally ease it quickly – gratitude list, playing music, taking a few deep breaths- it wasn’t passing.
As I submitted two of the pieces of writing I found myself feeling more unsettled I was also really over thinking this weekend’s talk and by yesterday I was feeling quite overwhelmed and frazzled!
Writing a lot especially when I’m talking a lot about the past can be quite tiring but this is what I love to do. The dreams I have always had, the things I began visualizing back in January when they logically seemed unlikely are happening. I am speaking to a publisher in two weeks’ time about my own book, I am off to the States in November for work, this week I have two new talks planned for schools, run club keeps growing and each week I get to run with and chat to people as part of my job - absolutely amazing in fact almost unbelievable when it was this time last year that my life began to crumble around me.
So I didn’t want to seem ungrateful when I was telling Christian yesterday morning that I was feeling anxious and a little overwhelmed and didn’t know why. As we talked it hit me and a weight was lifted.
I knew of course that I would get feedback from both the paper and the publisher and its natural to be wanting it to be good. The same with the talk on Saturday of course I want people to be glad they came but I was really feeling the pressure.
Without even realizing that little voice of doubt had been whispering in my ears what if they don’t like your story, what if people don’t enjoy the talk, am I really good enough and meant to do this? When I listen to these whispers of doubt even subconsciously I start looking at the way others do things and wondering should I change.
And that’s it- I love to hear feedback and constructive criticism but the minute I stray away from being true to me, if I post on Facebook or tweet a tweet because I think it’s what people want to hear rather than what I really feel passionate about then I feel uneasy. I will always be learning and sharing as I do but the way I look, the way I talk, the way I write, my story- that’s me and if I don’t accept myself fully for who I am then I’m not meant to be doing this.
It took me 35 years to finally accept and love myself as I am. “Comparison truly is the thief of joy” and I had such a sigh of relief moment yesterday when I reminded myself that once I stay true to me everything will be o.k. Better than O.K.- amazing.
It can be hard to come out from behind the barriers we put up and to show others who we really are because “some people might not like us” and it’s true but so many people will.
This year I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I shared my guilty secrets and you know what nothing terrible happened in fact the opposite. Fantastic people events and opportunities keep coming into my life.
It really was a weight lifted and I went onto have a really lovely day and the minute after I realized the cause of my anxiety and gave myself a break I got an email from the editor saying she loved my writing style.
Be you. Don’t wait until you have lost weight, got a new job, the perfect relationship or bank balance before you allow yourself to be happy. Accept and approve of yourself right now exactly as you are and it opens the door to let everything you can ever imagine and it feels so good.