Friday 11th September
Over and over I'm shown how much things can change can in such a short space of time when I remember how I was feeling less than a year ago.
I have been looking forward to getting to sit here at the laptop and blog today because it’s been such a busy, exciting, like I’m on a roller coaster kind of a week and this blog has become like a therapy session and a great way to clear my head.
It is also lovely to hear that people are waiting for the next one and someone told me recently that they save my blogs so they can have an “omnibus”- that really made me smile.
So I’m here with my cup of peppermint tea and having taken a couple of really deep breaths I’m starting to feel quite relaxed.
Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day and today is September 11th both dates that bring to the forefront the preciousness of life and in a week that I have been thinking a lot about my message and what it is that I do and want to do as I continue on with my plans for writing, speaking and coaching.
Everyone has their own unique experience of life and emotions, from happiness and love to sadness, anxiety and depression our individual experiences will be different. I remember last year when I was contemplating suicide getting great relief when I read an article that said “everyone has a different threshold for emotional pain, it varies massively from person to person and when someone takes their life they have reached their personal limit” it took away some of the immense guilt I was going through for even considering ending my life the guilt that only added to my desire to simply find a way out of the pain I was in at the time.
I don’t write and talk about that time for sympathy because I don’t need any my life is truly amazing but because it is my story and it is our stories that give us tremendous strength and make us who we are.
And because even though I know what may make someone feel the way I felt could be completely different to what led me there I do know how it feels to be unable to see even a glimmer of light and to want to escape those feelings.
And I also know from messages and emails that I receive from people who have read my blog or heard me talk that it has been the glimmer for them that there is another way of living.
So my focus is on life. It is on living. It is on squeezing every bit of joy you can have every day on this earth. That doesn’t mean that it will be easy all of the time or that you won’t come across obstacles but there is a tremendous power within us to overcome them and the more we learn to use our own tools, to care for ourselves, to be kind to ourselves then life can become an exciting adventure.
The day my life changed forever was 4th February 2014 because that was the day I began my experiment and the day I took full responsibility for my own happiness. The day I said I will never again believe that I am a victim of circumstance and from now on I will do my best to choose how I want to feel.
Now I know that choosing how you want to feel when you feel terrible isn’t so easy which is why I made it easier for myself by creating my feel good triggers and the results were instant – yesterday I was helping my daughter with her maths homework and explaining how to break down problems- that’s what I did it wasn’t about “snapping out of it” and being super happy it was about breaking it down into smaller steps that each made me feel a little bit better and all those “littles” added up
Life is short enough it is a brief encounter and there is no one exactly like you. You deserve to feel good and you deserve to live life to the fullest.
Last October I wrote in my diary
“I feel like I am just on the edge of falling into complete madness. Like I have a mask on that is allowing me to do daily activities but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. The pressure is immense and I am so sick of feeling like this”
Now 11 months later I am so grateful for those days because without them I would never have tried to change I would have continued living the life I was living. Day to day getting by- thinking I was positive and wondering why I wasn’t living my dream life – not realizing how much negativity I allowed in, how rarely I looked at what I had in my life rather than what I didn’t, continually trying to be thinner, prettier, better before being happy.
This week I am booking flights to Philadelphia the beginning of another very exciting journey, I started two fantastic Beginner’s runclubs, next week I will be running the Half marathon in the Phoenix park with a group who started out as beginner’s, tonight I’m having dinner with a friend and I won’t be freaking out hating the way I look in everything I try on. I am content. I feel good. I am smiling and it isn’t a mask.
There is so much more that I wanted to write because this week I had a few moments of anxiety and I realized that they came about when I wasn’t allowing myself to be me but trying to be the me that suited something else- anxiety dissipated the minute I said I am exactly the way I am meant to be- anyway next blog perhaps.
New post up on Huff Post also- there was another experience where rejection led to something amazing.