Day 170 of 182
Thursday 23rd July
Feeling excited and smiley as I write this.
I’ve learnt something every day of this very public journey and lately as I’ve been thinking about the content of my book I seem to be having so many “Aha” moments- good to have some ready for sitting with Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Sunday (yes it’s on my vision board). And today it jumped out so clearly that everything comes down to how we feel about ourselves. Our self-esteem or lack of.
This experiment for a better life has worked and the reason for this is because I have learnt how to feel better about myself. Each of the rules made me feel good and every good feeling added up and helped me feel good about me. That is what has transformed my life.
I can remember as a child, standing in front of the mirror and loving the reflection looking back at me. Feeling excited about my life- there was not one seed of doubt in my mind that I was a beautiful and that everything I wanted would come.
A friend told me that she asked her four year old nephew what he loved about himself. His reply “Everything.”
How amazing is that? If you have children, nieces, nephews, isn’t that the way you want them to feel forever? It’s the way I want everyone to feel.
Most of us lose that amazing confidence, some earlier than others and in its place seeds of doubt, guilt, inferiority are planted which grow and grow leaving little space for the positive thoughts we may have had.
Why do we consider it acceptable for a four year old to say they love everything about themselves but if a forty year old said it they may be considered big headed or arrogant?
I feel so strongly about this that I want to shout it from the rooftops -fall in love with you and you will fall in love with life - I have experienced this and it is like seeing the world through new eyes, walking on air and every single person benefits because a positive energy radiates out of you.
Then after I was published in The Huffington Post and began writing my book I noticed a dip in my mood and felt tense and slightly stressed. This was something I’d visualized something I’d wanted to happen so why did I feel this way? At first I thought it was pressure that I was putting on myself to be perfect but now I know that I was neglecting my self-esteem and instead watering those seeds of doubt. Wondering “Am I good enough to write a book- will what I’m saying really make a difference? Will they publish my next post?” instead of celebrating, drinking champagne and proclaiming how proud I am of myself because I didn’t want anyone to think I was conceited.
You can dream of your amazing life, and believe me you don’t need to win the lotto to get it, there are plenty of people with money who are miserable as there are plenty of people without money who are miserable. I was miserable last December and money couldn’t have changed or taken away any of the pain I was in.
People may say it’s selfish to put yourself first. It’s not. Love yourself and everybody benefits. Last week when I was feeling some doubt about myself I wasn’t feeling good so I wasn’t such a nice person to be around. Last year when I clearly didn’t love myself I spent my time consumed in trying to change , distracted and stressed –that was a selfish life- since this experiment my heart feels lighter, I smile and laugh more, I listen to my children and I am happy. Not waiting to be happy, not thinking of the future to be happy but happy now.
All it took was a desire to feel better and an acceptance that my happiness was my own responsibility and my choice.
I love this Cherokee legend as you well know because it sums up everything -self-esteem flourishes when you feed the good wolf.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil- he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you- and inside of every other person, too.”
The grandson thought for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Which wolf do you spend more time feeding? Because it is a choice and it is yours.