Sunday, 10 May 2015

Day 96 of 182. What an Amazing week to be in Mullingar.

Day 96 of 182

Sunday 10th May

Wow. Deep Breaths. What a week it has been. Thursday 7th marked the beginning of a new part of this journey with my first talk in Mullingar. It was brilliant. Yes I thought afterwards of more that I wanted to say but we all start somewhere and rather than giving myself a hard time I have just been excitedly thinking about the format of the next one.

Then yesterday began with a very early start 3.30 am in fact with the Darkness into the Light walk for Pieta House.

 Having been very much in the darkness myself last year and now basking in the light it meant a huge amount to me that we walked it as a family.

Lesson that we can’t control situations here, Jess felt unwell which meant that it ended up being me and Leon.

Bleary eyed and decked out in our yellow t-shirts we drove up to the start. Even writing about this is giving me a lump in my throat.

On Saturday 1st November last year there was a fireworks display in Belvedere House a beautiful gardens not far from where I live and that night Jessica was unwell and couldn’t go so Leon and I went on our own.

As I stood on the grass his little hand clasping mine tightly, he gasped with amazement at the fireworks. I had my hood pulled up in the hope that no one would recognise me or see the tears that were falling.

Tears because my mind was consumed with thoughts of what a terrible mother I was, a selfish failure because even in this moment with one child sick at home and one with me excited at his first fireworks display, the thought at the forefront of my mind was how horrible and exhausted I felt. Wishing I could die. Guilt, regret, anger at what a selfish human being I felt I had become.

I love fireworks they are amazing. Have always loved them and often told friends about how I'd love to have a huge party to celebrate my family with a fireworks display, but that night in November it seemed absolutely impossible and I cried for the life I’d already lived, the one I was living and the one I had dreamt of living.

So yesterday being with Leon that same hand clasping mine so tight I was filled with gratitude and love. Because  now I am able to be fully present in each moment. As we walked together every step of that 5k It might have been dark starting but it felt like the sun was shining to me.

Anything  and everything is possible, that party will happen and fireworks will light the skies.

Having lived through this transformation and knowing that there are so many people feeling the way I was makes it hard to be patient as far as getting out and talking about it is concerned.

It will happen, it is happening.

Yesterday afternoon I got a bit of a shock( perhaps more so because I had just come from 2 hours of restorative yoga and was floating on a plane of calm) as I was questioned on twitter about what I was saying, whether the Secret was really true and that they didn’t believe in following rules. It had caught me a bit by surprise and I will admit made me feel a little anxious.

I’ve noticed that throughout this experiment if I feel that I am trying to say/tweet/blog something to fit in with someone else that it gives me an unsettled feeling inside and once I stay true to me and tell the truth I feel good. It’s how I know whether I’m making the right decision about something I can feel it inside.

This is not about getting everyone to agree with me - I don’t mind if you call them ten rules or beliefs or principles. There are lots of brilliant books available. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne came into my life at the right time and it inspired this experiment and my ten rules.

Maybe some people will use one or two some all ten and some none.

They have for me become habits which was my original hope and they saved my life and hearing how they have now helped others is an absolute dream come true.

So I will keep on talking about this experience.

Back to this morning and I headed to Loretto College in Mullingar where the send off was taking place for the Cycle Against Suicide.Wow.

The school was ablaze with orange and the atmosphere electric as students, teachers, *Mental Health Organisations rallied together to get across the message that…

“It’s ok not to feel ok” and “Show you care. Ask the question and make the call”

All lead by the charismatic and enthusiastic Jim Breen the founder of the cycle, a man I basically asked to have a coffee with, what I think afterwards perhaps sounded like “date proposal!”. It’s so exciting when you hear like-minded people talk.

So it has been an emotional and invigorating week. It has proved to me yet again that this is what I want to do and it seems that I may be able to return to the Loretto to talk about body image and positive mental health which is fantastic news.

To share my experience and remind people that there is always hope and that NOW no matter where you are, no matter how you look and no matter how you feel there is an amazing life that belongs to you and that you are good enough to deserve to live it.


Suicide or Survive: