Day 94 of 182
Friday 8th May
I’m back blogging. I really missed it this week. Writing is absolutely something I love doing and won’t be stopping anytime soon.
What a week it’s been, if I needed a test to see whether or not this experiment has really worked you couldn’t pick something better than planning a talk of which you have absolutely no control over how many people are going to come.
When you consider that only in January I didn’t want to live never mind step up on stage in front of a room full of people. I’ve also always been a control freak and a lack of control would cause anxiety which would in turn cause the Eating Disorder side of my brain to go into overdrive and cause me to starve myself and over exercise or binge and make myself sick both guaranteed to be accompanied by hours in front of the mirror crying and mentally bulling myself about how I looked.
None of it, not once. Yes of course I had moments of nerves, great surges of adrenaline that would shudder through my body, a tingling in my palms and goose bumps but they were enjoyable.
No I had no idea of how many people were going to buy tickets and yes it is my new career and I have bills to pay and money would have always been my biggest cause of anxiety. But still I stayed calm. When I could feel self-doubt coming in I would take a moment, remember that everything was going to happen exactly as it should once I stayed true to me, in fact the only time s I didn’t feel great during the week were when I starting to drift away from me and think about changing things.
One of many amazing moments this week came when just as I was falling asleep I got such a strong feeling that I need to get what has happened so far into a book because for me now over half way the HUGE healing as far as my Eating Disorder and non-existent self-esteem has occurred in the first half and that is what I feel can really make a difference to people who are struggling. I asked the Universe to show me a sign and fell asleep.
The next morning I received a wonderful uplifting message from someone who said that after a difficult life having reached day 5 of this blog they felt their life was changing. Goosebumps. There was my sign and I also realised that I am truly happy because what I want all I want is to share this because I know there are so many people feeling similar to the way I felt and that you don’t even have to have an Eating Disorder to spend so much time in self-criticism thinking that changing your physical appearance changed the way you feel deep down. It can change the way you feel about yourself for a bit but it is short lived. For me all the dieting was like putting a plaster on an infected cut but this experience has healed that cut completely and permanently.
How could I not want to share how I did this?
The blog reaches a certain amount of people-nearly 18,000 views which is amazing-but lots of people don’t go online or don’t know how to get back to the past blogs(which by the way if you are on a mobile you need to click view web version and then go into archives).
Newspapers are great and I’m calling out the radio stations
“Come on Ray D’Arcy or Ryan Tubridy let me on air to speak about this” maybe T.V I am not stopping going to spread how these ten rules inspired by The Secret have worked beyond my wildest dreams.
So a book. The second half of this experiment is going to be me having achieved such success with my personal goals now to focus on achieving the external ones. That envelope is still in my wardrobe with the goal I wrote last August so I’m visualizing.
Back to yesterday.
Talk was at 8pm. 2pm I realised I didn’t know what I was going to wear and had neither the time nor the money to go out looking. So what did I do?
I sat at the table and I thought I think I shall cry for two minutes to release the stress which I did and then it came so clear- the talk is about what I’m saying not what I am wearing it is about how everyone is enough as they are, that it is about me accepting myself for who I am and if I had to do it in my leggings then so be it. Very grateful to have had the luxury of getting my hair and my makeup done- such a treat.
I then cried more unexpectedly having received a lovely email wishing me luck and saying that I was born to do this. The tears were of happiness and gratitude. To get to do this is amazing.
Calm I went up to my wardrobe and a long black skirt I wore caught my eye matched with a blouse I had- perfect. Thank you Universe and in fact loads of people kept asking me where I got the dress.
So grateful to the 60 people who came. Less than at my talk last year but I know that everyone who was meant to be there was there and it was very special. Some people drove quite a way to be there. Thank you.
When I’m up there talking I know I have found what I am born to do, I love writing but talking to people face to face connecting that is my passion and I will not stop I am going to talk about this all over the world.
Next stop Dublin. Watch this space.
Ended the evening eating Chinese food with Christian, his Mum and sister in my kitchen in my house a perfect end and in itself a miracle. The first time I have ever eaten Chinese food for the pleasure able to enjoy the company without the distraction of guilt.
I slept like a log.
Woke this morning having to put everything I talked about into practice last night into practice. I felt a little sad and deflated. Natural after something you’ve had a lot of adrenaline for but also my mind started going over things I could have said, things I would like to do better next time which brings me back to something I said last night.
These three things I am certain of.
· The past whether 1 minute of twenty years ago is done and nothing can change it.
· We are all going to die. ( It was uplifting I promise)
· All we know for certain is that we have NOW this moment and each one is ours. It belongs to us and we get to choose how we spend it feeling.
So I wrote on my gratitude list, listened to some beautiful music and had a nap.
The music last night was from my “Happy Playlist” one particular piece that people ask about is this Planet Earth Forever by Joe Blankenburg
Now I'm feeling refreshed and content. So much amazing stuff is coming, I feel like I’m in a plane just before it speeds up on the runway but my NOW is good, really good.
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” Mark Twain
Ten rules and a brief outline of how they helped me below.
1. Visualize my future, all that I want to achieve until it feels as if it has already happened.
2. Begin a gratitude list and add to it each day.
3. Be kind to myself. Pay myself a compliment when I look in the mirror.
4. Begin each day listening to music that I love.
5. Be aware of negativity in my thoughts and conversations; try and find the positive in all.
6. Fresh air. Spend at least fifteen minutes outside every day.
7. Start a list of things that I love and add to it each day.
8. Be kind to others. Take all opportunities, each day, to show kindness.
9. Giving. Rather than waiting until I have enough, start donating 10% of my weekly earnings to charity.
10. Do my best to follow these rules for 6 months; not pressure myself to be perfect and blog honestly.
Visualizing success in all areas of my life, how I wanted to be and feel, gave me a new sense of hope and excitement.
Seeing in print what I was grateful for made me aware of all I already had. Writing down what I loved from hugs with my children, to sparkles, to sunshine, made me feel good.
Listening to music that lifted my mood first thing each morning delayed and sometimes stopped completely the constant battle with the voice in my head about how I looked, whether or not I should eat, binge or exercise.
Giving and kindness to others - the weekly donation, but also smiles, kind words, letting someone ahead in a queue - got me out of my own head and aware of those around me.
Being outside. Seeing all the wonders of nature gave me the ability to keep things in perspective.
All small steps but those steps joining together resulted in me making a huge leap.