Friday, 1 May 2015

Day 87 of 182. Slight meltdown this week-Yes I'm normal.

Day 87 of 182


Friday 1st May

Had to just add this in - I am in Nikki Hayes's Check it out.. April 29th post.


It’s been a few days had to take a deep breath a few times this week and get myself back to the moment and in tune with what is happening now.

"People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast or in the hills…There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble free retreat than in his own mind… So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.”
Marcus Aurelius Roman Emperor

Had a bit of a meltdown this week, as a friend said today “at least you’re normal” and that’s true I am.

It was Wednesday and immediately after it happened I thought, have to blog about this. It has been a fantastic week so many positive things happening, having achieved far more personal goals than I ever thought possible in 87 days, recovery from an Eating Disorder and anxiety which has of course had a ripple effect I am now a much nicer Mother, girlfriend and friend. From now on along with my rules (they have become habits) but also really working on my external goals and dreams and making them come true-one of which, written down last August and sealed in an envelope, for now a secret just for me.

This involves getting the word out there of this experiment- of the amazing things that are possible and because I believe in the Law of Attraction/The Universe/What you think about you bring about- when I think about what I want sometimes it just happens and other times into my blank mind inspiration of how to achieve the desired outcome appears.

 It’s happening.

As you well know by now at my talk is on next Thursday. Plus I got the news this week that it would be written about in not one but two newspapers. So happy. Next stop radio I had emailed Ryan Tubridy but heard nothing back yet, delighted that Nikki Hayes from Spin FM may write about me in her own blog
, news which made my heart race and everyone is saying that Ray D’Arcy is the man to get in touch with so that’s my next step.

I try always to only send emails or tweets when I am inspired to do so rather than forcing it. So when I get an urge to send an email I send it instead of thinking about the logical steps that you might take. In January I tweeted the picture of me in the Irish Independent with The Secret I barely knew how twitter worked but managed to tag Rhonda Byrne and Oprah Winfrey in it as they were pictured on the same page and are two women that I think are phenomenal. I tweeted because it was such a boost to my tired mind and just what I needed to know I should definitely begin this experiment in February. I felt excitement for the first time in a long time. That night the official team of the Secret messaged me & began following me. There was me in Mullingar, Ireland and the team behind the book that was responsible for changing my life more than I ever knew had included me in those that they followed.

That is the kind of thing that inspired action results in. And I have known since then once I stay true to myself and do everything out of love only good will come out of it.

I’ve gone off the point but by Wednesday my head was pretty full with all of this exciting progress, tickets were on sale, people were asking me “how are they selling? How many people are you expecting?”

Trying not to concern myself with it but of course I’m normal- I wouldn’t want for no one to come- I don’t think that will happen though and I focus on what I want, so answered everyone saying “I’m leaving it up to the Universe.” But I wasn’t really not completely and the only way to do that is to say that people can buy tickets at the Hotel on the night. Aaaaaaaaah. Relief. Pressure off. Now I can keep on visualizing a full room and enjoy the run up to it.

Wednesday eve as I pulled into a parking space outside where I teach my class I was thinking about the blog I had written that day and how it wasn’t sitting right. For the first time I couldn’t get across what I wanted to say without sounding saccharin sweet like it wasn’t quite me or real. It is now also the first post I deleted.

Next thing crunch I had tipped a parked car. Going to make a long story short here I might tell it in full next Thursday or in another blog but my arrival home led to tears on my part, rifling through mountains of clothes to find clean pyjamas for Leon, realising his cupboard was filled with only two types of clothing, too small or dirty that he had jammed in, raised voice on my part, landing looking like as if a clothes filled volcano had erupted, voice again raised maybe a little shriller this time, now tears from Jessica, me ,sweaty, tired, hungry feeling sorry for myself thinking I’m a terrible  Mother and  “I’m meant to stand up next week and talk about how you can live a better life.”


And I will. Because I am. Yes the events of Wednesday night weren’t ideal but I turned it. Could have ruined the evening, gone on for days, fighting with the kids, annoying Christian. Worrying about how I’d pay for the damage to both cars. Instead I got my long awaited shower, hugged the kids so tightly, and explained what had happened. Felt so grateful for them, for Christian, for my clothes, my house, my shower, my dinner for the fact I am so loved.

At first I had thought that damaging my car was a sign that my dream Audi was on its way but I know it was a sign to remind me that although a successful business, financial security and a big white Audi A6 will be quite fabulous when they come what I have already now is so much more than that it is so magnificent that words fail me. And a reminder that I am normal that meltdowns will come, far fewer than ever before but that now since beginning this 87 days ago I can turn them and don’t need to punish myself for not being perfect.

Last night I cleared my mind of the talk, newspapers, goals, dreams and enjoyed the evening for what it was an ordinary evening. It felt great.

A feeling of gratitude and love for my life and all that is in it, a glow like the one you get all over when you step into the sun.

And back on the right frequency from the moment I opened my eyes this morning one good thing after another happened.

Throwback below to the first blog I posted on February 6th. It is so amazing what has happened since.

Introduction Hannah Lilly “Secret” Experience

On the 4th of August 2014 a little red book came into my life changed it forever.
I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of a girl the sort who takes up running and has to run a marathon, I will eat the whole cake not just a slice. So discovering weight training whilst studying to be a Personal Trainer soon led to the decision to step on stage in a bikini for a body building competition in October. Not perhaps the most sensible idea for someone with an already slightly distorted body image a touch of self-sabotage may have been involved but my mind was set.

I’ve always been hard on myself I felt a failure after running the Dublin marathon twice finishing but not in my goal time and threw my medals away.

My goal for this was mental as well as physical to be happy with my achievement regardless of the competition result.

I would drive an 80 mile round trip each week to train in Dublin on top of my own gym sessions plus a hectic schedule of teaching spin and insanity classes.

By August I hadn’t eaten sugar or processed foods for a year and lived on fish, turkey, green beans and oats. This is not a ploy for sympathy it was my choice and I enjoyed the structure of it but the strain was beginning to show.

In work I always felt fantastic.

At home I was stressed out and cross. Probably 80% of the time. I had serious doubts about my ability to get myself in the shape required to compete and was extremely critical of my appearance. My phone was full to the brim of comparison photos that I would analyse seeing only flaws.

Over exercising and my restrictive diet meant it all became overwhelming and after an evening alone crying in my bedroom, my family watching a film downstairs it seemed like maybe the only option was to quit.

The next day in conversation I will never forget and will always be grateful for I told a friend how I felt.

That I had clear visions of my future how I desperately wanted to be a motivational speaker and inspire people to live the lives they deserved, to be kind to themselves. Not practicing what I preached made me feel like a fraud.

She asked had I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

I had in fact heard of it a few years before flicked through it in a book shop, it hadn’t appealed to me and I left it there.

This time though I took €20 out of my rent money (apologies to my landlord for the late payment that month!) bought it and read it in one sitting. From the moment I first started turning the pages I could feel something amazing beginning to happen. It might sound crazy but it was as if I became a magnet to positive opportunities.

One month later to the day 4th September I gave my first motivational talk to 150 people one of the most exceptional moments of my life so far just thinking of it now gives me goose bumps. On the 4th October I stepped up on stage in my sparkly bikini placing nowhere but I still felt so happy and it seemed like I’d achieved my goal of finally being proud of myself no matter what and was really excited about beginning a more balanced life with my family and focusing on plans for the future.


Some of the hardest most painful & frightening times I have ever experienced were to follow. Times when I simply didn’t want to be. In taking the rigidness and control out of my strict lifestyle it was as if the ground caved in beneath me.

Introducing balance to my life wasn’t going to be so easy and it became apparent that the Eating Disorder I had struggled with during my teens and twenties (a diagnosis aged 15 of bulimic with anorexic tendencies) was very much present in my life. I couldn’t bear to see my reflection, my anxiety levels rocketed and it took all the strength I had to get out of the door to work commitments.

Feeling an absolute failure in all areas of my life, perhaps more so because I knew how good I had felt such a short time before. Needless to say I didn’t feel like following any of the positive mind set practices and all I had visualized and dreamed of seemed almost laughable. My house was and is still covered in posters from my first talk and one night feeling desperate I sat beneath one that read
Create a vision that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning.”A tiny part of me believed that perhaps that feeling could return but I couldn’t see a way. It can. It would and it did.

All my experiences so far have lead me to this very moment now sitting at my laptop with butterflies of nerves, excitement & anticipation at the journey that lies ahead. So I’ve decided to be a guinea pig in my own experiment. Knowing the things I can do that will have a positive effect on my life but also aware that it’s not necessarily easy to put these things into practice when feeling stressed, anxious or depressed.

Being a lover of structure though I’ve created a list of 10 rules that I will follow on a daily basis for the next 6 months. This will bring me to the 4th of August exactly one year since the Secret came into my life. My aim that they will become such a part of my routine doing them will simply be like breathing. When I feel good, good things happen. It is for me an experiment, a therapy an experience and if I can let anyone else feel a tenth of how amazing I know life can be, a success.

My Daily Rules
Spend 5 minutes each night before I sleep visualizing my future and all I want to achieve until it is so clear that it feels as if it has already happened.

Begin my gratitude list on the 4th Feb and add 6 things to it each day.

Be kind to my reflection. Pay myself a compliment when I look in the mirror.

Start the day HAPPY by playing 2 of my favorite tunes- at the moment this is " Sigma feat Paloma Faith-Changing & You've got the love- Florence Welch" though I will allow myself the option of flexibility here as 6 months is quite a long time!!!!

Think POSITIVE. Do my very best each day to find the positive in all things. Be aware of negativity in my thoughts and conversations.

Fresh air. Spend at least 15 minutes outside every day.

Love. Start a list of things I love on 4th Feb and add to it each day.

Be Kind. Each day take as many opportunities to show kindness to others as I can. This can be as simple as letting a car out in the traffic or opening a door.

Giving. Rather than waiting until I have enough to give I will start now. Each week I will donate 10% of my earnings to charity.

Do my best to follow these rules for the next 6 months, not pressure myself to be perfect at it & blog honestly every day about the experience.