Friday, 22 May 2015

Day 109 of 182. Feeling the love.

Day 109 of 182

Friday 22nd May

As I typed the date I realized its a good friends Wedding Anniversary(I was a bridesmaid not so organised that I remember all anniversaries!) so "Happy Anniversary" Fiona & Bill.

It's apt because I this is a short blog about love.
I'm sitting in my car in Liffey Valley Shopping Centre typing this on my phone(hence short blog) having come from two separate meetings where I talked about this experiment, where I want to go from here and why I'm doing it.

A lot of the answers come down to love because in January of this year I decided to show myself enough love to begin working on a better life.
And yes it may sound to some a bit "hippy dippy" or "self indulgent" and maybe people aren't "ready" for it but I think they are and I'm going to keep sharing it anyway because this experience has utterly transformed my life and how I feel about myself.I am going to shout it from the rooftops. Only good can come from love, from feeling it and from giving it and when you show yourself the level of love you are willing to show others amazing things become possible.
Like how last December I was so anxious I didn't want to leave the house, hating what I saw in the mirror & now today I'm planning the next talk, about getting on the radio, about getting the blog into a book. After years of low self-esteem-and you don't need to have an Eating Disorder to have low self-esteem- I am feeling such happiness every day in all the ordinary simple things that previously passed me by. To love yourself you have to feel good but it's hard to feel good if you feel bad. These 10 rules ( which you will soon be able to download from the site) all made me feel better inside and each contributed to me finally being able to say

"I am good enough now. As I am. I am good enough, I love me and I deserve to have a good life free from stress, self criticism and anxiety."

So that's why I want to share it because it's wonderful and I know it can be of benefit to so many people and because I LOVE it. I love writing, I love speaking and I love people. Because I love the feeling of waking up every day excited.

Speaking of waking up, this morning I woke at 6.30 with love on my mind to go and vote in the referendum on Gay marriage and discovered that my beautiful cat Lilly had got out of my bedroom window during the night and was missing.

Upset and cross. Cross at Christian for leaving the window open I could feel its effect immediately a stressed tightness in my chest. Knowing anger and blame wouldn't help anyone and only make me feel worse I focused on turning it around so after a little bit of "oh i can't believe you opened the window" ( in a whispery hurt voice) I apologised and instead focused on gratitude. Gratitude for Lilly(wrote her on the list again), for the love she has brought into our house and to our family. She came home with me in October the week of my omelette throwing meltdown and has been with me every day of this journey so I'm sure she's loving whatever catty adventure she is on and I'm looking forward to seeing her soon.

Love is such a powerful gift and a much nicer one to give than anger, resentment or  jealousy.

Give it. To others but also to yourself.

Take one day to be aware of your thoughts about yourself and replace negative ones with ones of
love.

"I love me." It sounds funny when you say it first but how can we believe anyone when they say it to us if we don't?
I tell my kids I love them every day and I want them to believe that now and forever.