Friday, 15 May 2015

Day 101 of 182. A difficult start to the day.


Day 101 of 182

Friday 15th May

 

It is 08.30 am which is very early for me to sit down and write, but I wanted to get this down while it is fresh in my head.

I wanted to write it partly because it’s such a therapeutic thing for me and I’m going to post it exactly as it comes out first time because the important thing from the beginning for me and for you reading it is its honesty.

A pile of clothes are waiting to be folded and put away as are dishes waiting to be washed, feeling how I felt this morning I would normally plough into these jobs to feel better but they can wait. This is important and writing will benefit me more and now I know that when I feel bad I deserve to feel better.

This morning I woke with anxiety, filled with it. A tiredness hanging over me, a flutter in my chest accompanied by a lump in my throat.

Ever since I wrote the long post about my past on Wednesday I could sense something different in me. I felt emotional but also old feelings returned and I started looking at myself in a critical way. I was able to turn it but had to keep working on it.

Yesterday I was exhausted & the yoga teacher could even sense I was in a different emotional space.

Now, amazing things continue to happen to me every day my dreams are coming true, a member of the Secret team told me via e mail that he would be telling Rhonda (yes as is in the Rhonda Byrne) all of the beautiful things that I am doing, I am meeting the CEO of Bodywhys for coffee next week, I am hearing how the blog is touching people, helping people and their families. I’m planning the next talk in Dublin. I have such dreams and know they are going to come true, going to California in August, writing a book, talking all over the world and being successful financially. That’s just the beginning and each day something happens that brings me closer.

I have used my ten daily rules to bring me to where I am now to feel so comfortable with myself, to have the relationship with Christian and the kids that I have now, to stand up and talk about this experience- all things I visualized until they were so clear was as if they had already happened- I’m doing the same now with all my other goals.

They are so clear in my head and they WILL happen.

So what happened today?

A build-up of pressure. Pressure that I had inadvertently put on myself.

 

Having written a blog all about how this experience has helped me recover from an Eating Disorder how I now love myself and the amazing places that can lead to and how I know that this way of approaching anxiety and low self-esteem can work.

Also just writing about past experiences, my old negative behaviours had an almost instant effect on my mood proving to me again that

Thoughts become things” “what we think about we bring about”

My ten rules were all based around the fact that when we change the way we think, we can change the way we feel and how we feel determines everything.

So I decided that I wouldn’t spend too much time writing about the past anymore and focus on the positives of now and the future.

In my talks to get across how this experience has worked so amazingly I have to return to where I was, I naturally now talk to and get messages from people who have had similar experiences and I think that once I tip the scales each day with a balance of more good feelings that will work.

Every day I’m learning.

Back to this morning.


The thing is I’m human not super human, I don’t think anyone expects me to be anything other than this but doubt about whether I was really feeling good  was making me anxious, coupled with the fact that today I have to pay for the damage of the car I knocked into a few weeks back and hard as I could I have been worrying about finances.

Lack of money and debt has always been an anxiety causer for me. I’m really working on it –thinking constantly about having no money just brings more of that – so I’m focusing on abundance and giving.

The way I subconsciously distracted myself from that anxiety was to diet because no matter what happened if I felt thin I felt in control. But if I didn’t feel thin and had anxiety about money that would be a double whammy that would make me feel like crawling back into bed.

Which is how I felt this morning. Looking in the mirror I didn’t feel like being kind to my reflection and I allowed negative thoughts about how my body looked to creep in which of course made me feel worse, trying to find something to wear and nothing fitted comfortably- something that has been the case for a while but on all my good days it didn’t bother me at all I had been admiring my new found curves and looking forward to whenever I get to go on a spree for a new wardrobe.

Not this morning. This morning it bothered me and I wanted to lie down on the ground, bang my fists, cry scream and have a tantrum

Look at me, I have nothing to wear and today I don’t even like myself I’ve failed at this experiment after only telling the world on Wednesday how well it works….”

There it is I felt like I’d failed. But this is life there is no passing or failing.

 The thing is one thing I was really good at was having an Eating Disorder I did it for a long time and the first cause of anxiety for me on Wednesday mad as this may sound was that by releasing it completely a part of my mind felt that I’d failed at having an Eating Disorder which of course is insane but this feeling caused anxiety and having said goodbye to my Eating Disorder what was there to protect me from the anxiety?

You might have to read that paragraph a few times to make sense of it-it may never make sense to you.

But it made sense to me and here Re #10 comes in again not pressure myself to be perfect

And what do I have now to help me with anxiety. I have everything all the tools I need are within my ten rules.

So I took the pressure off and instead of retreating into myself like I would have before I went with love. Thought about how much I love Christian, Jessica and Leon. I petted my crazy cat.  I smiled at myself in the mirror and told myself “well done Hannah, give yourself a break you have done so well.”

And that sinking feeling, that hard burning lump in my throat was replaced with the beautiful warm feeling of love.

I was going to write a quote here about how we all have bad days but its how we deal with them but I am just this second after getting a text from a really good friend and it’s perfect.

You know when you sleep funny and wake with that pain in your neck?

Woke up with the famous crooked neck….however, I am grateful for my crooked neck.”
 

Says it all. Brilliant.


10.54 am
Had to add in this little bit. Just handed over my last €200 to the owner of the car I scratched. The evening that I did that I had to find the owner and so many people have since said that I should have driven off, but you know what handing over that money this morning felt so good and that feeling the feeling of doing what feels right, the feeling of kindness is more lasting than joy from anything €200 could have bought me. Actually that's a lie it isn't quite my last bit of money that is now going to be lodged to the charities from ticket sales. I woke with anxiety and I am grateful for my anxiety and the fact that I know how to and can turn it around.


 Rule #9 Giving. Instead of waiting until I have enough to give starting now & donating 10% of my weekly income to charity.