Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Day 84 of 182. I'm not happy all of the time.




Day 84 of 182

 

Tuesday 28th April

 

 

Yesterday someone who doesn’t read the blog and was deciding about whether to come to the talk or not asked me

“It’s not just about being happy all the time is it?”

No.

But I can understand how she may have come to that conclusion, I do post a lot of happy posts on Facebook and twitter and I am smiling pretty much every time you see me.

To expect to be happy all the time would be exhausting, probably not realistic & perhaps slightly annoying for those around me. It also conjures up images of –Christian’s words- “going around like SpongeBob Square pants head in the clouds”

This experiment began as a way to live a better life, 84 days in I might not be happy all of the time but I am happy most of the time. It has worked.

Because even when negative things happen, when I feel angry, sad or upset I can change those feelings to happiness. This has been a life changer.

Two things that played a massive part in this are the facts that...

“We can’t control negative situations or people but we can always change the way we choose to feel about them.”

And

“My happiness is my responsibility not anyone else’s”

I knew when I began that my ten rules would have a positive effect but I never expected to be where I am now in such a short space of time.

Looking back over my past blogs, I was reading the one written on Day 13(link below) the day I realised sitting at my kitchen table that my Eating Disorder was gone.

 And it is, it really is. People I know have worried for me asked “Can it really ever be gone completely?”
 

http://www.hannah-lilly.com/2015/02/day-13-of-182-farewell-eating-disorder.html
 
Yes. I am willing to say it can. It's quite something.

It is still a novelty for me to be happy with my reflection (most of the time I still have bad hair days).
 I have so much more energy, I realise how much was used each day on the project of self criticism.

 The best way for to me to explain how I would have felt most of my life is that there was always a part of my brain worrying away about my image, arguing with me about what I could or couldn't do. There was no respite from it and it was exhausting.

Now that has stopped it's like the relief you get after taking a tablet-suddenly realising your headache is gone.  I can focus completely on whatever I'm doing and be fully present in each moment. I haven't been miserable all my life far from it was only half living. Always a bit distracted by the argument in my head.




Obviously the fact that I no longer panic if I eat a previously considered “bad” food, having just this evening eaten a slice of leftover pizza but left the other slices on the plate not because I wasn't allowing myself simply because I didn't want them.
Christian trains tonight and that could have lead to a binge before or if I was dieting hours and hours spent thinking about that pizza slice.

I  can look forward to meals out rather than spending weeks before and after restricting food or over exercising.
Surprisingly it's not about being able to eat the food. The thrill is from being able to enjoy the experience, the company, the moment.

More than that though is I can be happy now without a part of my brain sabotaging it by telling me that I’m not thin enough.

And on the days I'm not happy....
 

Yesterday afternoon I just didn’t feel great. Tired I went for a nap but woke feeling worse, a little teary.


No reason for this a lot of brilliant things have happened this week.I began focusing on the Law of Attraction ,visualizing and believing I could get this 182 experiment out there for more people to hear about- it’s working.

I say no reason, but I have to remember that I’m not superwoman and being a Mum, self-employed, blogging, preparing a talk that is so important to me and focusing on believing that room will be full on the night not allowing doubt to creep into my mind- think I’m allowed the odd moment of anxiety.

So I was stressed but the great thing about it is before when I felt this way that would have been the trigger for the negative voice in my head telling me I was fat. I would have ran upstairs to the bathroom to look at my abs-or lack of abs in the mirror maybe fifty times. A compulsion of mine the more stressed or anxious I was I would check my reflection but particularly my stomach over and over getting more upset and disgusted with myself each time.
Yesterday I got back to happy - helped immensely by a few 5 second hugs, gratitude and then a run on the canal with 25 runners (hugging my family not runclub). Rule #5 Fresh air each day – not going anywhere. 
 
I know that anxiety and depression can make every day an ordeal to endure.
How common having a negative body image is. Not everyone has an eating disorder but lots of people get upset before nights out or think everything will be ok when they lose weight for that wedding or holiday. I also know that you can have none of the above but just feel "stuck" wondering "Is this it?"  living for your next weekend away or holiday.


There is nothing wrong with wanting change or having something to look forward to but imagine being happy now before the change happens. Imagine looking forward to the next day, hour, minute of your amazing life.


It is there for us all if we choose to live it.
 
On the 4th Feb I began following my 10 rules inspired by The Secret and I am living an amazing life.

Most people won’t take the leap, because they’re not experiencing enough pain. Usually they will take action once they’re so fed up, once they’re so sick and tired, that they’re like. I can’t take this anymore.” Mastin Kipp The Daily Love
 

Why wait till then?