And it is, it really is. People I know have worried for me asked “Can it really ever be gone completely?”
I have so much more energy, I realise how much was used each day on the project of self criticism.
The best way for to me to explain how I would have felt most of my life is that there was always a part of my brain worrying away about my image, arguing with me about what I could or couldn't do. There was no respite from it and it was exhausting.
Now that has stopped it's like the relief you get after taking a tablet-suddenly realising your headache is gone. I can focus completely on whatever I'm doing and be fully present in each moment. I haven't been miserable all my life far from it was only half living. Always a bit distracted by the argument in my head.
Obviously the fact that I no longer panic if I eat a previously considered “bad” food, having just this evening eaten a slice of leftover pizza but left the other slices on the plate not because I wasn't allowing myself simply because I didn't want them.
Christian trains tonight and that could have lead to a binge before or if I was dieting hours and hours spent thinking about that pizza slice.
I can look forward to meals out rather than spending weeks before and after restricting food or over exercising.
Surprisingly it's not about being able to eat the food. The thrill is from being able to enjoy the experience, the company, the moment.
And on the days I'm not happy....
Yesterday afternoon I just didn’t feel great. Tired I went for a nap but woke feeling worse, a little teary.
So I was stressed but the great thing about it is before when I felt this way that would have been the trigger for the negative voice in my head telling me I was fat. I would have ran upstairs to the bathroom to look at my abs-or lack of abs in the mirror maybe fifty times. A compulsion of mine the more stressed or anxious I was I would check my reflection but particularly my stomach over and over getting more upset and disgusted with myself each time.
How common having a negative body image is. Not everyone has an eating disorder but lots of people get upset before nights out or think everything will be ok when they lose weight for that wedding or holiday. I also know that you can have none of the above but just feel "stuck" wondering "Is this it?" living for your next weekend away or holiday.
There is nothing wrong with wanting change or having something to look forward to but imagine being happy now before the change happens. Imagine looking forward to the next day, hour, minute of your amazing life.
It is there for us all if we choose to live it.