Day 82 of 182
Sunday 26th April
“I feel like such a failure, it would be easier to be gone than to have people see what I have become.” My journal December 2014
Its 11.15am, I am sitting on the edge of my bed with my laptop on the desk Christian’s Dad made me. I have started blogging up here most days (though no laptop or phone in bedroom at night). The view in front of me is of my vision board and Gratitude and Love lists a reminder of all the incredible things that have happened so far. Playing on my stereo is the playlist that I named Soundtrack- so called because they really are the soundtrack of this experience. If I need to lift my mood on it goes.
To my left is the window that also serves as a bookcase at the moment. Office chair and bookcase on the list. Today the sun is streaming in but it is equally beautiful when the rain is beating against it.
I love this house and am so grateful for it, looking forward to buying it which I know will happen (hard as this maybe for some to believe considering at the moment I am overdrawn on a bank account that doesn’t even have an overdraft-watch this space.) House in California and Mullingar. Sounds good to me.
Today 82 days I’m writing a recap blog of all that has happened so far.
I’ve had a great week, started with the rejection email from The Huffington Post- my reaction to this proof yet again of what a transformation I have made so far it would have crushed me before and filled me with so many negative thoughts about myself- Have become really good at turning my mood around if it dips but I didn’t even need to. My mind filled with all I was grateful for and I knew that it simply isn’t the path I’m meant to be on right now. Focusing on what I want which is to spread what has happened to me, what is possible for everyone, my dream to inspire and show that we CAN live amazing lives that we hold the power to do this inside of us all. So I began thinking about how I get it out there, emailed a radio station, going to email more this week yet to hear back but let’s see. On Wednesday I woke up and said “This is going to be an amazing day and I am going to get a response from the media somehow.” And put it out to the Universe.
That afternoon I was having a telephone interview about the experience with a journalist from a National newspaper.
Friday I collected the tickets for my talk and delivered them to the shop that will be selling them Days Bazaar and put up my posters.
Felt amazing, so proud so excited about all that was happening.
Doubt sneaked in, excitement butterflies traded places with anxiety. I felt a little overwhelmed. I know that what we think about we bring about this is the Law of Attraction and a perfect example is written in The Secret.
How some people acquire massive wealth only to lose it then within a short time acquire massive wealth again?
When they are getting it their predominant thoughts are of getting it so they do. When they get it the predominant thought turns to losing it and they do. Then it’s gone and back to thinking about getting it and so on.
I had been thinking about the talk how the room will be full, how it is just the beginning of all my dreams and goals coming true – how I want to reach as many people as I can.
It was happening, people were telling me how they were coming, looking forward to it, interview with a journalist and my mind began to wonder was it too good to be true? Could I really live up to the expectation? Was all that has happened as amazing as I thought? Did I really love myself now? I even had a “can’t find anything to wear” moment first in ages and felt cross with my reflection.
But I turned it. I can do this. I am doing this. I do love me as I am regardless of what weight I am, whether or not I have cellulite, what I’m wearing or if my curly hair has chosen to behave or not because the real me that has no reflection is what people are coming to see and what has happened IS amazing.
I feel like such a failure, it would be easier to be gone than to have people see what I have become.” My journal December 2014
Last December I wrote those words in my journal. I didn’t want to get dressed, to leave my house. The realisation and acceptance of an Eating Disorder last October lead to severe anxiety and my world fell apart. All plans I had to be a motivational speaker- something I had had a taste of in September 14’ having read The Secret and being inspired to spread what I had discovered- seemed impossible.
Reading The Secret had changed my life having always been a “positive” person I realised how much negativity I unwittingly brought into my life by focusing on what I didn’t want rather than what I did. I realised how much control I had over my own life how by re training my mind amazing things were possible. Within one month I gave my first talk, a success and I felt on top of the world.
One thing I know now though is that even though I thought I was practicing what I preached in order for your dreams to come true you have to believe you deserve them to, to believe this you have to love yourself truly deep down.
The events in October, slight changes to my physical appearance and weight gain proved that this was not something I had mastered. I wouldn’t look in the mirror unless to punish myself and each night as I got into bed I would wish that I might just stop breathing and not wake up.
This all had to happen.
Yes I was already helping people, through my runclubs, my clean eating programmes, and my talk. But in order to do this on the level I wanted to- around the world I had to hit rock bottom. I had wanted to share the amazing things that were possible when we use the Law of Attraction and being able to turn this around would prove it was more powerful than I had ever thought.
I had already been blown away by what we were capable when we take control of our feelings but that was just the tip of the iceberg.
My parents came to visit me one day in early January at the door my Mum told me I would be ok and I told her no, I wouldn’t. At that time I was full to the brim of every negative emotion going.
Anger, hurt, pity, envy, frustration, despair, sadness, hate.
I stood in the corner of my kitchen and I cried for hours. I was exhausted and the emotional pain was crippling me. I had and still have posters from my talk around my house and pointing at them I said how far from that place I felt, that it almost seemed laughable. I heard myself say “Wonder does it work on big stuff? That maybe I should see. I had nothing to lose.”
I don’t think I was even serious at the time but the seed was planted.
Ever since I was a child I have had a feeling deep down that I am meant to help people. Without sounding over the top “my destiny”.
I love people, love talking, being able to make people feel at ease and comfortable. With my Beginners Runclub I get such happiness from seeing people achieve what they never thought possible and their self-belief grow.
I began to realise that this experience I was going through, this torment was giving me a greater understanding and “if” I could turn it around and share it with others that it was a gift.
So I began creating my ten rules inspired by The Secret decided to follow them and blog honestly for 182 days.
Because it will be one year to the day that I read the book.
Because last August I wrote down a goal of mine that I believed I would achieve this August (though with no idea how) and I sealed it in an envelope.
Because I believed that six months would be enough time to make some progress with my Eating Disorder.
On the 4th Feb this year I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew it would have a positive effect but what has happened has been beyond my wildest dreams.
The evening in December when I wrote those words in my journal, sitting on my bedroom floor I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I couldn’t walk down the street, face seeing anyone and felt desperately lonely and isolated. I couldn’t eat food without needing to make myself sick. My reflection turned my stomach and I hated myself.
On the 7th May another dream comes true. I will stand up in front of a room filled with people having in the last 82 days transformed my life. Free from my Eating Disorder and anxiety.
With a love so deep for my life, all that is in it and myself that makes each day like living in Paradise.
The butterflies are back. I get goose bumps when I think about all that is coming. It is absolutely amazing. I am on the edge of something that makes my skin buzz. Feeling like a magnet for opportunity and wonder. I am so happy now this moment that I want to dance, sing and jump up and down.
“I am so grateful for my life, to be really living and really loving - knowing that I am the master of my feelings, and how to live each moment. To have the power within to see and feel beauty in each and every one.” My journal 2015
That’s true its how I feel and this is only the Beginning.