Thursday, 9 April 2015

Day 65 of 182. Learning more each day.







Day 65 of 182

 

Thursday 9th April

 

Tomorrow and I will be a third of the way through. 117 days and I will be on my last day beside the Pacific Ocean in California. That’s been my vision for a long time and I know that when I really see it and really believe it, it happens.

It already has.

Yesterday I woke feeling anxious and a bit panicked. Tried turning it around, wrote on my gratitude list, and listened to music. They worked temporarily but I could feel the panic simmering beneath. You know when you start the day feeling like you already haven’t got enough time to get all you need done.

I felt really pressured and everything was getting to me. The bills on the fridge that seemed to be increasing in number by the day, the hole in my leggings and the fact that I didn’t have a pair to replace them with. Had a list of things that I wanted done now this instant for the talk and my head felt cluttered.

Days like this hit me hard, having experienced the way I can feel regardless of bills, messy house, cross children it’s easy for me to feel like I’m failing. Even the beautiful blue sky wasn’t helping.

Before I go on, it turned out to be one of the loveliest days.

This pressure that I felt was all put on by me nobody else. Still a perfectionist by nature, to know it’s not required is something I’m working on every day and I am getting much better at it. Being able to be so honest really helps.

Yes there were bills but they were going to be paid, some a little late but paid none the less. Focusing on lack of money brings more of the same. Instead I try to focus on all I have, on feeling abundant.

Yes I wanted to get tickets organised for the talk but its four weeks away. Deep breaths. Plenty of time. Holes in my leggings aren’t ideal but really in the scheme of things not an issue.

My sister was staying with me, she has special needs and we don’t see each other that often. Did I really want to be going around all flustered? No.

I had a little cry, helped my sister get ready, got myself ready and as I looked for something to wear I could hear that voice creeping in, telling me how I had nothing to wear because I’d put on so much weight.

This is not a road I am willing to go down anymore so I stopped and decided to meditate.

I knew I could use the help, it was there so I took it and came out the other side feeling recharged.


Sometimes days just need to be reset. Like when a laptop behaves strangely and you power off then restart, that is what I needed to do.

Speaking of help, I was due to meet my Mum for a coffee. A few weeks ago when I heard back from The Huffington Post she had offered to proof read my blogs for me before I sent them.

I had said no, typical of me needing to do everything myself, taking the hard road. Like I said before when I sent my first post to The Huffington Post the minute I hit send on the email the voice of doubt began to creep in.

“Was I good enough?” “I’d told everyone what if it didn’t happen?” “Had I stayed true to myself?”… .This went on for days and I had to work really hard on kicking it out.

Then about a week later I had to learn another lesson, I received an email confirming all my fears, telling me that this piece wasn’t right for them.

Anyone who knows me will know that before this experience that would have destroyed me it would have confirmed my belief that I was useless and not good enough at anything.

Don’t get me wrong, disappointed welled up and it felt like I’d been kicked in the guts.

But I knew The Universe was giving me another chance to learn here and I wasn’t going to ignore it.

I’d spent 50 days trying to be me, to accept that I was enough as I am and it was working. Yes, of course I want to be published in The Huffington Post what an honour. The first piece I sent wasn’t right, I had rushed it and tried to change a previously written piece to be how I thought it should be for them.

Yes, it was so nice to receive messages of congratulations from everyone but I now know that people are proud of me for me and that isn’t going to change.

And life isn’t perfect, things don’t always go the way we think they are meant to. But what is meant to happen does.

I was meant to get this disappointment, to deal with it and I did.

Long story short, I took up Mum’s offer to proof read, having learned that accepting help when it’s offered doesn’t make me a failure.

I’ve been working on a piece for The Huffington Post, I wanted to sum up all that has happened so far in 1000 words not an easy feat for a rambler like me.

Yesterday it was finished and when I read it, I cried. I am so proud of this piece of writing and sitting here yesterday afternoon next to my Mum, the scent of the beautiful daffodils she cut from her garden wafting in the air, the sound of Leon and my sister laughing. Christian making tea, I hit send and off it went to the Editor of The Huffington Post.

So I will be excitedly waiting for a response, knowing though that whatever happens it is what is meant for me, writing it filled me up with love every second had that first piece been published I wouldn’t have written what I sent yesterday. For that I am truly grateful.

 

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

Epictus (c. AD 55-c. 135) Greek Philosopher


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epictetus