Sunday, 5 April 2015

Day 61 of 182. First Easter apart from my Eating Disorder.


Easter Sunday 5th April

Day 61 of 182

My week of unplugging from excessive use of social media has been a success not easy at first. Looking forward to blogging about it.

 I hadn’t intended writing today but as my first Easter without an Eating Disorder at my side I was heading towards it with mixed emotions and felt that as part of this experience one that needed to be documented.

I won’t pretend that at the back of my mind I wasn’t a little worried about how I’d cope. Here I’ve been saying how I’m free of it, how following my 10 rules has transformed my life was this going to be my very public rebound?

Occasions like Christmas and Easter, Thanksgiving if you are in America and Halloween all celebrated with enormous quantities of food and over indulgence is encouraged.

If you are someone who uses food as a tool to control, reward or punish yourself they can be days, weeks of torture.

Like I said before I took sugar out of my diet for 2 years, completely. First as a genuine health benefit, I did feel better without it so for any celebrations festive or otherwise, during that time I looked on from the outside and not a morsel passed my lips. My children had stopped even offering me anything, proud of how well they share but never able to be a part of it. I had no cakes on my birthday or chocolate on Valentines.

When I was restricting food the control gave me a superficial feeling of happiness but it wasn’t real not deep. I haven’t been unhappy all of my life by any means but what I realise now is how selfish I became completely caught up in my own world. My most intimate relationship was with my E.D and it came first.

We were together on the outside of the world those I love lived in, for a long time I wasn’t even aware of this but by last October I wanted so badly to let go and join in, but was so scared.

Fast forward to Christmas and my attempt at living a balanced life was not a success. These were the worst times I have ever experienced.

 Eating the “forbidden foods” I couldn’t stop, had absolutely no control at all. One sweet from the box and I had to eat the box, I would make cups of tea in the kitchen and secretly eat anything I could. Then stand in front of the mirror disgusted with myself, the only way to ease these feelings would be to purge but the more often I did it the less time the relief from it would last.

Consumed with feelings of failure and a deep sense of loathing. I would sit on my bedroom floor and the only way I can describe it is that I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I felt trapped, at this stage I hadn’t yet separated the voice of the E.D from my own and this never ending argument with myself was draining any strength I had left.

 Christmas day and I feigned interest in gifts. Smiling as I cooked a Christmas feast for us all. I laughed at the movies on T.V.  I had two beautiful children and Christian a huge support with me, so many people would have looked at my life and wished for it.

I made myself sick three times that day and in bed that night with a sore throat, cramping stomach cried myself to sleep wishing that I wouldn’t wake up.

 

Today and as I type this, again I can’t even find the words to explain what an enormous thing it is to be where I am now. But yes going to sleep last night I was slightly nervous about how I would cope when faced with so much chocolate. I’ve come full circle and am really craving healthy nutritious food. Processed sugar doesn’t make me feel great and I want to eat well, not in an obsessive way but because after years of abusing my body I want to treat it kindly. But making decisions about food for me, had always before been about making rules that if not followed meant failure. I am choosing not to life that life anymore.

Having had a bit of a bug I haven’t been to the gym much in a few weeks, so heavy workouts weren’t there as a way to counteract over indulgence either.

Last night I visualized the relaxed day I wanted. This morning I woke up with a slight twinge of anxiety. Brushing my teeth felt a little nervous looking in the mirror, smiled at myself. No mean voice. Sat on the edge of my bath smiled some more and said out loud “You are beautiful and you deserve this life.”

Yes it feels a bit silly at first but it works for me.

Comfortable tracksuit on and I decided that before we began our Egg Hunt I would do an intensive run through of the rules.

Wrote on my gratitude and love lists, 5 second hugs with the kids and cat, drove to the shop played my happy music, put all of my change into the charity box.

Egg Hunt. Still no voice. I truly enjoyed the experience, felt real joy looking at Leon sprinting the short distances between clues and sharing the delight at uncovered confection. Love for Jess pretending to believe in the Easter Bunny for her brother.

 Easter Sunday 2015, I’ve been a real part of the celebration. I’ve had chocolate, donated by my son. It was good. Have my own Egg on the table a first in years. Who knows what else I’ll eat, who cares.

 But as rule #10 states I’m not pressuring myself to be perfect, if that voice comes back I’ll deal with it, perfection doesn’t exist.

Well I think maybe it does and that in our uniqueness our “imperfections” we are already perfect.

This experience has proved to me time and time again that I have a choice every moment of every day about how I feel. It doesn’t matter what has happened in the moment before, each one is a new opportunity for a fresh start.

There is no passing or failing in life, no right or wrong, no good or bad, just decisions to make about the life we want to live and  learning to believe we deserve it.

 

 

When you are no longer the slave to your own emotions and thoughts-when they no longer have their way with you without your consent-you have become the master of your own being, and your entire life will be transformed. You will be the master of the law, you and your life.”

The Secret Daily Teachings by Ronda Byrne