Day 52 of 182
Friday 27th March
Apologies for any errors I was on a tight time frame wanting to meditate and wrote this in 15 minutes needed to share with you that I am still human.
Quite suddenly about 20 minutes ago it felt like as if I had been wrapped in a blanket of sadness and irritation.
I’m perched on my bed with the laptop propped up on 2 pillows, came up to meditate but wanted to get these feelings into words before as I know it will, the meditation dissipates them.
So right now I am feeling a mixture of sadness, tiredness, irritation and even a little bit of anger. I’m not sure why these feelings have come about, though plain and simple the need for a few extra hours sleep most probably has something to do with it, I also returned to the gym this morning after an absence of over 3 weeks. That was a real positive in my day, I have been lucky enough to always love exercise but had too often in the past used it in a negative way, it played for a long time as big a role as food in the disordered, abusive relationship I had with my body.
My body is very different than it was and my reflection is different than it was but as I lifted weights today I felt such gratitude for this amazing gift, a healthy body and all the remarkable things it does every second and I felt gratitude for the fact that I no longer feel the need to punish it on a continual basis. However the physical exertion was I think a shock to the system and a nap would have probably prevented the way I feel right now.
I don’t like having bad feelings, I think maybe I notice them even more as I am getting used to feeling so good and even when I’m not I turn it around quickly. Today I haven’t yet and it’s important for me that I don’t feel a failure when I feel this way, even if I don’t turn it around as quickly as I could.
I have to take everything as a lesson, a way to learn something new.
Again I keep thinking about all that has happened, I never imagined I would be freed from an eating disorder so quickly, the healing I have experienced seems to have defied all the conventional rules as far as even beginning to recover were concerned. Not that I ever had any particular need to be conventional.
But I think because of all this success that happened so soon, only day 52 now it has made me a little impatient, wanting to reach the next goal and the next and then the worry that it might not happen.
I know the solution and it’s what I have been talking about lately, staying present and in the moment. Believing I deserve for my other dreams to come true. Taking inspired rather than forced action.
Today this is where I am struggling, wanting to stay fully present, trust the universe that what meant will is happen and also being so eager to do all I can get me there.
So I suppose what I want everyone reading this to know is that I don’t think I have all the answers. I have found that I have more power inside of me than I ever thought possible. That it can bring enormous good into mine and other people’s lives. A power I believe we all have, that we have to want to learn to use it.
I will always be learning and that’s exciting because there is a world of knowledge out there and so many tools to master, if I can achieve all this in 52 days by following 10 rules, retraining my brain, it is the tip of the iceberg.
Now to meditate, something I am loving learning to master. Tomorrow a healing reiki session, next week yoga begins all new tools that I am introducing into my rules as they evolve with me on this …..(Want to find a word other than journey)….but for now journey.
Thank you to everyone reading this.
Because you read it, I write it and I with writing I have fallen in love.
I just opened the Secret Daily Teachings to find a quote and it fell to page 136, apt.
“Negative thoughts and negative emotions need your attention and focus to stay alive. They cannot survive without your attention to them. If you ignore them and refuse to give them any attention, you are taking the life out of them and they will be eliminated.”