Day 49 of 182
Tuesday 24th March
When I began this 49 days ago my goals were quite practical and my hope, that by following these 10 daily rules I would be able to manage and possibly down the line recover from my eating disorder, that they would help me better deal with anxiety. That by focusing on what I want in all areas of my life from personal to business I would be able to achieve the success that I dreamed of, and by journaling the experience in this blog give other people that are struggling a sense of hope, a realisation that a better life is possible.
49 days in and the success is monumental. I am free from an almost lifelong eating disorder, I have to pinch myself. Some say I will always be in “recovery” but we can pleasantly agree to disagree on this one.
Moments of anxiety are rare and when they do occur my ability to turn it around is improving each day.
Now busy with work, writing every day, trying to be more involved than I had in my children’s lives, planning my talk, my goals are evolving and I am aware of the need to focus fully on the job in hand.
To be in the moment fully present to find a balance and nurture mind, body and spirit.
It feels like I have reached a crossover point, that I am about to embark on another phase and before I set off again I need to pause and reflect on all that has happened.
In the whirlwind of excitement and opportunity I could easily lose sight of myself and there is no need for urgency.
On Sunday I found myself alone in the kitchen and here I unexpectedly experienced a truly mindful moment, one of such clarity that it took my breath away.
Quite the discovery to find out it can be in the most ordinary of places.
On the counter a tangle of wires caught my attention, phone chargers, laptop battery, headphones, resuscitation of technology no issue here.
The draining board covered with dishes and the windowsill a mismatch of items, rightful home of a plant and ornament, joined by a variety of homeless items, a watch, a painted rock, tiny planes from the children’s goody bags, a bowl containing such random items as nail polish, craft scissors, sachets of hand cream and a handmade Valentine’s Day card from my son.
Clutter has the potential to really irritate me, if I was feeling tense or stressed I’d try to get everything in its rightful place, feeling that if I had clear surfaces I would have a clear mind. It rarely worked and the feeling of calm that came from tidying was never lasting.
Perhaps the tick of the clock lulled me into it but all of a sudden I felt I was looking at everything through new eyes and it all seemed so beautiful, looking through the smeared kitchen window at the grey block wall in my back garden,our lopsided oil tank decorated by a muddy dog. I could see beauty in it all, a cobweb stretching from the ceiling, the way the blades of grass were trembling in the breeze, the trees still waiting for spring to dress them, clouds that moved slowly and fast at the same time.
It was as if my senses were heightened, maybe it sounds crazy but I could feel beauty ,my fingers were tingling my heart seemed to be racing yet I felt deep calm. Waves of emotion a feeling of contentment that everything was going to be ok and exactly as it should be.
Feeling almost as if I were sedated yet refreshed I felt an urge though having not written poetry in years, to put it into words.
“In stillness, I can see.
The beauty in everything.
Dirty dishes, patiently waiting to be cleaned.
Appear to be works of art.”