Monday, 23 March 2015

Day 48 of 182. An ordinary extraordinary experience. Part 1.

Day 48 of 182

Monday 23rd March

“Our feelings are a feedback mechanism to us about whether we’re on track or not, whether we’re on course or off course.” The Secret

Jack Canfield- Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Day 48, and this experience has evolved into more than I ever imagined.
Yes I knew it would have a positive effect on my life, I knew that it would bring me closer to my goals but I don’t think I even knew it was possible to feel like this, especially as the changes I have made have all been internal. Nothing to do with material things or the way I look.

Certain days stand out as particularly significant and yesterday Sunday, was one of those days.

On Friday I returned home having spent the night with my Mum, the excitement of the week’s events along with an awful lot of talking about the weeks events and just about everything else you could think of, had left me mentally overtired.

Tiredness can bring out in me negative emotions, doubt, fear, worry, aware that I needed to top up my feel good emotions, feed the good wolf- I keep re reading that Cherokee Legend about the wolves in the last blog- but had little time between getting home and out to a client followed by a runclub, to do that.

And it was with my client who eager to hear all my news, I rushed into telling the story, my brain focused on getting the words out in the right order yet tired as it was,  neglected to do the same with my feet and before I knew it was I flying through the air to land, my face narrowly missing yet knees not so lucky, the concrete.

I’ve always been very good at busy, busy, busy. A Queen of multi-tasking and if told to rest or do less, would have taken that as a criticism or disbelief in my ability to hold everything together perfectly, rather than what it truly was, genuine care for my well-being.

Thank you Universe between concussion, speeding fines and falling while running. Slow down Hannah, take a breath. Message received loud and clear.

I know I need to put work in each day to be mindful, to focus on one thing at a time. Leave space between the moments. New rule.

At runclub I ran through the throbbing pain, though everyone rightly told me there was no need. By the time I arrived home my feel good tank was running low, still smiling but now physically and mentally tired.

Examination of my now swollen, stiff knees proved it was worse than I had thought, knowing I had a 5k run the following morning and feeling a lump in my throat, to try and blog would have been pointless, bed was the best place for me, alarm set for the morning.

Night time visualisation Rule #1 staying as is, I love this end to each day.

Saturday I woke to the alarm, groggy, tank now running on reserves, my fuel light was on.

Getting another hour or two of sleep would have been me taking care of myself but I pushed through again and got up to blog, wrote but didn't finish for an hour, then out for a rather sleepy yet enjoyable as always 5k with the group.

Due that afternoon to drive to meet my parents in Dublin, see a play then dinner.
 I came home and got straight back into all I had to catch up on, getting blog ready to post, reply to emails, I needed to get changed, had wanted to meditate. Car needed petrol (my real car not a metaphor!). I was rushing, typing and glancing at the clock, asking myself do I leave some work till the next day?

Sunday is my complete day off, my unplug day and I really didn’t want to have work to do. I could feel that rushed panic brewing inside, and when the kids started to bicker I lost it and roared at them to shut up, really roared.

Tank. Empty.

My emotions are a clear indicator to me as to what I should do, before this experience I would have maybe roared some more, carried on rushing, left the house in a temper feeling miserable, not enjoyed the day as much as I could have and only been able to ease the guilt at some stage by sending an apology text to Christian.

But now when I feel a dip even a little one, I ask myself “why did you begin this?” the answer is “to live a better life” and then I ask “is what you are doing now fitting in with that?”

The answer in this case was clearly. No.

The Solution?

 If I don’t keep myself filled up with love and good feelings it is worse for me and all those around me. By putting myself first everyone  else benefits too, so I stopped, made a decision to miss the play leaving myself plenty of time and just aim for dinner.

A dinner that was the final lesson, the bar was really loud and once there I realised how much I needed and wanted some stillness, quietness to recharge.

Something I mentioned to my Dad, a need for time alone with no talking or distractions, we discussed how I might do this, where could I go to find it?

I left early and headed home, having seemed madness to rush a meditation before leaving I did it that night before I slept. Turned out to be so apt, exactly what I had experienced that day, “successful emotions” how to feel rather than think your way through life and decision making.

 I woke on Sunday feeling refreshed, tank not quite full but certain that a day spent relaxing would renew me.

Something was to happen that afternoon that would mark a significant change in me, something incredible.

 In the most ordinary of places something extraordinary happened that seems to have catapulted me forward at rocket speed on this journey of self-discovery.

To be continued…….