Day 46 of 182
Saturday 21st March
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me” he said to the boy “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil-he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego”
He continued “The other is good-he is joy, peace, love hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is inside you –and inside every other person too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed”
Thrive by Arianna Huffington https://www.google.ie/?gws_rd=cr,ssl&ei=OXkNVcj3EsHuUtjtgrgN#q=thrive+arianna+huffington
On Wednesday evening I posted blog about my fantastic news. To be able to blog for the Huffington Post. Wow. It was still sinking in and I was feeling a bit intoxicated, full of heady excitement.A lovely feeling and yes as I'd been told the Universe certainly “loves speed”.
I was spending Thursday night away with my Mother and had been really looking forward to it yet that morning I felt a little anxious and wasn't sure why. Sitting for a few moments I listened to some music and it passed.
In the car, the anxious flutters returned, and a voice I hadn't heard in a while broke it's silence and began a mantra of self-doubt.
On Tuesday during a google hangout with Arianna Huffington and Greg McKeown about her book Thrive,
Arianna had begun to speak about what she calls the “obnoxious voice in her head” and how liberating it was when she became able to separate it from her own.
I nearly jumped out of my seat and had to type a comment, it was so familiar to me. I wanted to shout out in fact I may have "Me too, me too!"
The realisation that my voice and the vicious one telling me how useless I was were completely separate, played a huge role in me beginning to deal with my eating disorder and realising I could remove it from my life.
This realisation came about in early January , finding myself home alone one afternoon ,a serious trigger for me when in Bulimic rather than anorexic mode; to binge. I remember feeling so pleased that I didn’t have the urge. The minute I had that thought and felt happy with my progress the voice started.
“Go on eat. Don’t waste this opportunity. You are here alone, no one will know. You can’t resist.”
I stayed firm. Stood my ground.
“You are weak. You can't resist. Go on. One last time. Don’t eat tomorrow. You have already failed by thinking about it. You are so greedy you won't be able to stop yourself”
This went on, and in the end, exhausted by the argument I gave in. Devoured packets of biscuits, chocolate spread, bread and butter, anything within reach that I would have considered a bad food,all swallowed in a mindless daze. Then up to the bathroom to make myself sick. At times it wouldn’t have been unusual for me to repeat this process more than once over a few hours.
Left feeling shaken, guilty, shameful and disgusted with myself.
But that day something different, a sense of relief, it had somehow made sense that day that this cruel voice wasn't true to me, it wasn't mine.
That I did want to get better and I didn’t want to treat myself this way anymore.
Some of the weight had been lifted. Much easier to resolve an argument with someone else than with yourself. Not easy, but easier.
It’s the voice that tells you “you’re not good enough” that “you can’t do something” or when you do achieve something “It’s too good to be true, they will realise you’re not as good as you seemed at first.”
It was the latter that started to run in my mind on Thursday along with,
“Should you have really told everyone? What if they have changed their minds? You haven’t heard back yet, they don’t like it.”
I know now that I have the tools to silence these thoughts.
The flutters of anxiety were increasing in strength so I figured that anxiety and excitement feel very similar.Started to imagine it was excitement I was feeling and imagined that people somewhere were discussing turning my blog into a book.
It doesn’t matter if that is true or not, all that matters is I had replaced the negative thought with one that made me feel good.
It takes work and I kept working on it all day and the next, each time the voice tried to talk I replaced it with a positive thought. I fed the wolf with love, gratitude and good feelings.
Last year a friend gave me a gift and with it a note that read.
“To my fantastic friend who deserves all of the wonderful things that life has to offer.”
What a beautiful thing to receive and it has been on my vision board ever since.
The gift now, is that I believe it too.