Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Day 42 of 182. What is worth working hard for? Last year I hit rock bottom, this year I decided to get up.


Day 42 of 182

 

Tuesday March 17th Happy St Patricks Day.

 

Last year I hit rock bottom and this year I decided to get up.

 

Rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life” J.K Rowling

 

Day 42. All that has happened so far would almost be unbelievable if I didn’t know it had happened to me.

Where I am now, from where I was is something I didn’t expect so soon if at all.

 Again yesterday someone said to me that I will always have an Eating Disorder that I will simply learn or am learning to manage it.

Again I agreed to disagree. I believed this too at first it was an outcome that I would have been happy to accept.

However now looking how far I have come, I know that is not the case.

 I’m not trying to persuade anyone or prove that I’m right and they are wrong. Everyone has their own beliefs and ways of dealing with things. There is no right or wrong.

Besides trying to prove it would be exhausting, all I can do is tell you what has happened to me.

Before I do though, I just want to say that I haven’t been miserable all my life. I have had an Eating Disorder all my life, sometimes I managed it better than others, sometimes I was probably in a form of recovery, being pregnant I don’t remember food being an issue (other than being hospitalized with severe morning sickness and not being able to eat at all - pretty sure that Louise Hay  would have an opinion on that).
 
What I am saying is that I have been happy but I have half lived my whole life until now and last year in October it reached critical point, I crashed, burned and hit the bottom of rock bottom.

Since beginning this experience I have never felt so much love, so alive and each day it gets better and better. I’m in the same house in the same town in the same country but it’s like a whole new world.

I asked Christian the other evening how bad was it for the last 3 months of 2014, he remarked that the whole year had been pretty tough, but that I’d been quite “mad” for most of the last 20 years and happy for a month!

We have been together since I was 16, he is an absolute rock and solid support to me, we have laughed together at some of the most tragic moments and laughing I asked him was he waiting for it to all fall apart again?

He replied “No not at all, it’s good.”

A man of few words, that sums it up though. It doesn’t have to be amazing, epic, exhilarating or unbelievable.

Real good, lasting good is perfect.

Back to the food issues.

At first I was just managing them, when I began work with Amber Dawn, started to introduce new foods, still tracked my calories and nutrients, it felt good to be able to sustain the control whilst still easing a little on the rules.

Small steps.

By being aware of what I ate but learning to eat certain foods in moderation rather than the all or nothing approach I had usually lived by I was managing my Eating Disorder and anxiety, plenty of people do I'm sure spend their lives this way in “recovery”.

The thing is by managing it, it was still there. Hanging around, waiting for a chance to jump back in. By managing it I was still focusing on it, ok focusing on not having it but inadvertently thinking about it.

Rule #5 be aware of negativity in my thoughts and conversations. Another rule staying as is.

 I was managing the behaviour but the root of the issue the reason for the behaviour was still somewhere deep inside. I know that controlling food is something I started as a child to distract myself from feelings of anxiety and this is something I carried through life, but I was also learning that Bulimia and Anorexia in particular are linked to a deep sense of self-loathing and self-hatred. To punish your body with food, to deny it the one thing we all must have to survive.


When I started following my 10 rules and began to change the way I felt each day, letting in less negativity and especially Rule #3 Be Kind to my reflection. Pay myself a compliment when I look in the mirror (I have since learnt that Louise Hay uses this technique it’s called mirroring) I was learning to love myself.

And learning to love myself meant that I was beginning to believe that I deserved to be free of this, not managing it, not in recovery but free. To live a good life.

I didn’t want to have to delve into the past and it turns out it wasn’t necessary.

Though late on the Sunday evening before my concussion I all of a sudden became very emotional, pieces of the jigsaw of my past came together as if from nowhere,things became clear, reasons for the guilt that had brought me to believe all those years ago that I didn’t deserve to live a good life, and with Christian beside me I cried and laughed them away .
 It was to me a final painless step in my emotional healing*, and on queue the universe arranged for the Physical healing of my overworked body to begin with my concussion, whiplash and the forced rest that followed.

* A final step in relation to my Eating Disorder, I think we spend our lives living and learning, experiencing life, love, death so there is always opportunity for healing.

The biggest changes have come about by working on how I felt about me, inside. The rules have connected and worked well, having a positive effect on my feelings. Feeling good about outside circumstances made it easier to feel good about me.

Of course I have days when I don’t feel fantastic about my appearance, right now in honesty my hair could do with a wash and blow dry, I wouldn’t say no to a day of pampering and beautifying in a salon. My leggings are feeling a bit tight, and I’m not loving the feeling but that’s not an Eating Disorder that’s me  slightly overtired and nothing that a  5 second hug, cup of tea, a nap and a shower won’t cure.

At the beginning I didn’t think the rules would change but I realise now they will, they will evolve with me and with 142 days left who knows what they will be on 4th August 2015. Now though it is less of a start and finish process and more about the rest of my life.

Rule #1 Spend 5 minutes each night before I sleep visualizing my future and all I want to achieve until it is so clear that it feels as if it has already happened.

This one is staying as it is. I love my visualization and it has become a complete habit. Sometimes I think of the big goals, a favourite is where in the world I will be on the 4th August 2015, and sometimes smaller ones, sometimes I visualize other people and them having the things they want.

I find it a really powerful tool that I use throughout the day as well.

Every idea that I’ve ever had and everything I’ve ever done I first saw it in my mind. People talk about visualization; that’s just a way of saying that you can see it in your mind. Ultimately you can’t have a dream without being able to see it. How are you going to manifest something that you don’t see in your mind first?”  Laird Hamilton- American Big wave surfer

Hero by Rhonda Byrne

 

I don’t believe it’s enough to see it, you have to believe you deserve it too.

Yesterday I was up and down but before leaving for work I sat for a moment in the car, shut my eyes and just thought about love, I sat a few minutes until I could feel a smile on my face and a warm feeling inside and that second I received an unexpected exciting message that proved again to me that if I can feel real love for my life now, I am on the right path.

I know that the things I dream of are going to happen, I can’t explain it but I just know.

 I have always known that I could help people, now I can say it without apologising, because I know how important it is believe in ourselves;  before I started this experience I had helped people but I was never going to be able to do it the way I can now.

Now that I have helped myself first.

Between now and all that is to come I am loving now.

 I’m not saying that it’s always easy, some days have had tough moments, yesterday I had to keep on bringing myself back to happy, lots of 5 second hugs with my son, lots of thoughts of things I love, music, went back to a favourite

Paloma Faith Changing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAeotgCHL3E
 

I started my meditation, looking forward to yoga this week,to have regular reiki, spending more time unplugged from my phone and laptop and connecting with the precious people my life.
Writing has revealed itself to me as such a pleasure and I can’t imagine  ever stopping.

I’m working on ways to live the best life possible.

I have worked hard, though it already feels easier.

 If someone said you could have €1,000,000 in 41 days if you worked really hard would you?

I'm working on a better life and it's working.

When I read back through my December journal and how I was feeling then it really does seem almost unbelievable that since the 4th Feb, I have felt more love, smiled more, laughed more, gone to bed each night not regretting one day and looking forward to the next one.

 

Money can’t buy that.