Thursday, 12 March 2015

Day 37 of 182. Hope. Last Dec I was full of despair now my life has changed forever.

Day 37 of 182

Thursday 12th March


Not everyone will believe that I have brought all this change to my life by simply focusing on feeling good, being aware of keeping negativity out of my feelings. I don’t know that I believed it would.

What I did know was that reading the Secret last year had made a difference to my life but I wondered if following the same principles could work when I was experiencing really horrible stuff, anxiety, despair and depression. It was make or break for me and that is how this 6 month Experience/experiment came about.

Today I am going to write about hope.

The inspiration came as this morning from a text. Yesterday I had been due to go to Fiona for some more reiki but I was so dizzy and spaced out that I decided against it.

So far this week I have learned that...

Lots of the things on today’s to do list can be done tomorrow, if the opportunity to have some fun should come along I’m choosing fun.

That even a seemingly negative event, for example my head caught between a doorframe and a slamming door, concussion and whiplash, can have a positive outcome.

Monday evening I would normally be working, which I love, but forced to stop this week spent it squashed on the couch with the kids and Christian watching a d.v.d eating chocolate and laughing.

Unable to look at my phone or laptop on Tuesday without nausea I spent hours laying on my bed, I didn’t want to sleep so decided to try and meditate something I have managed on occasion but only with a c.d and even then I would get annoyed with myself if I didn’t feel like it had gone perfectly.

Perhaps the concussion assisted me here, I completely relaxed and felt revitalised afterwards. Something I am going to make a part of my day from now on. Going to start going to yoga once a week, something I had been thinking about for a while and then on Tuesday evening I was talking to someone who mentioned they go on a Thursday morning which suits me perfectly. I don’t believe in coincidences so thank you Universe.


It’s become really clear that I want to look after all of me from now on. Mind. Body. Spirit. I’ve been thinking a lot of my Grandmother lately an amazing woman way ahead of her time she was practicing meditation, visualisation, eating organic vegetarian food. Knowing all these things could heal us and give us a better life.

Having come full circle in a disordered relationship with food and my body I now want to treat it the way it deserves to be treated.

To eat for nourishment and pleasure and exercise for my health and wellbeing.


I have fought off womanly curves since I was 12, confirmed by the surprise discovery of my diary last week 1992 entry ”I hate being so fat” followed by a pencil drawing of “me in a bikini “as I saw myself then, with rolls of fat and one beside it “me in a bikini soon” thin. Then the words I WILL BE THIN repeated.

A certain irony in the fact that 33 years later standing on stage in a bikini with that body I had wished for brought me to a place so bad I had to try to make changes.

So when Fi text me this morning saying she had been thinking of me lot’s yesterday afternoon and that when she did the word hope kept coming into her mind it got me thinking.

Often I will have a particular idea for a post then someone will say something to me and it turns into something different. The Guilt and Regret post turned out like that and I got so many messages off of people saying how they really needed to read it that day. I’m thinking there are probably a good few people who could do with some hope today.

Our struggles are all different but hope is there for us all.

Even when life is hard, such a struggle, filled with fear, worry, when you can’t bear to look at yourself in a mirror or for others to see you. When you are full of despair, sadness, anxiety, exhausted with life.

 If you are still here, there is hope.

I know this because all of that described me.

Last November I started to scribble bits and pieces down in a journal.Reading it  seems is quite surreal.

For some people that know me, knew me then, it may be difficult to read. On the outside I would have appeared a completely different person. 

Always be kind it’s a free gift we all have to give and you never know how much someone may need it.

Thank you to everyone who has shown me such kindness then and now.


November 14

Woke this morning with a familiar feeling of anxiety and a sickening sadness in the pit of my stomach.

It’s like my head is so cluttered with thoughts and I can’t get it clear. I honestly wish I was dead. It is a dreadful thing to say but parts of me would love to be gone.

The thing that stops me is the idea of what it would do to my children.

My main causes of anxiety seem to be money or lack of.”

I have then listed my debts and talk about the money needed for my past business plans that I didn’t even know if could be possible anymore.

“There is still a piece of me that believes in all the dreams I had of speaking and helping others. Right now though I can’t see how any of that can happen.”


I feel like such a failure, it would be easier to be gone than to have people see what I have become.

I feel so isolated and know that I am cutting myself off from my friends. I had told somehow I was feeling and wish now that I hadn’t… To have people see my weakness actually sickens me.”

Having spent my life as a perfectionist and a high achiever always wanting to make things okay for everybody else. I felt that I was letting people down by showing them what I perceived in myself as weakness. This was all pressure that I piled on myself.

By letting it all go and being honest in this blog it’s shown me that in fact the complete opposite of what I feared has happened. I have received incredible support and love from so many. Sometimes I can now almost feel a physical reaction to so many people wishing me the best and willing my dreams to come true.

December 14’

I feel so so far from the Hannah that stood on stage at my first talk in Sept and I don’t know if she can exist again. I feel such a fraud like I have tricked people into thinking I’m something that I’m not.”

My bulimia had kicked in now big time, my eating disorder had always been my mind’s way of dealing with anxiety, a way to distract myself from feeling it. Having only restricted foods for a long time I was now caught in a cycle, unable to stop myself eating the foods I hadn’t allowed myself in so long this would cause even more anxiety and I could only ease it temporarily by making myself sick.

Worst crash ever. Look so fat and dumpy. Hate myself and my body. Binged on brownies and ice cream, made myself sick. I have to bring the food restrictions back. I can’t function with normal foods. Only for Christian and the kids I would like to be dead. I am going to the G.P tomorrow but I can’t bear the idea of her seeing me so fat.”

It is very strange to read it and now I almost can’t believe it was me, but it was.

I cried in the G.P’s told her I felt so guilty for feeling this way, that look at my life all I had, wonderful Christian, beautiful healthy children. That there were people with Cancer and I was here crying in full physical health. Her response which I will never forget was “There are people in here every day with cancer and some of them have a much better quality of life than you right now.”

If you are feeling any of these feelings. Please don't feel guilt about it, it is a real illness and you deserve to be well the same as anyone else.

It was the worst time I have ever experienced and one that I would never want to go through again but I am grateful for every single second of it because it has brought me here to now, exactly where I am meant to be.

I had felt so alone but I wasn't. The experience on Saturday at the My1000hurs run proved that.

November 14'

I feel ok today, calmer and safe at home. One step at a time is all I can do.”

It all got a lot worse after that but here I am today living an amazing life, a life that I want to live, excited abut the future, excited about now. Each rule was a small step I took each day and each day was another step.

Small steps all put together can lead you a long way.  For anyone who would like more information on any areas of mental health check out any of the links below.                 Supporting light through Depression       Leading the change in Youth Mental Health          Bodywhys Eating Disorder Association   Created by Niall Breslin , support and advice for all areas of Mental Health