Wednesday 4th March
Seven months to the day since I first read the Secret.
One month since this experience began and I am almost lost for words.
But only almost.
I knew that starting this would have a positive effect on my life, I really wanted it to have a positive effect on others, but to say that sitting here today I am amazed, a little overwhelmed and quite emotional would be an understatement.
I’ve had some pretty big revelations nearly every day so far.
One this week was the realisation that all these years of working towards a certain type of body, a desire to look a certain way stemmed from a feeling that I needed this extraordinary body to be “enough”. Enough for me, for my family, my friends and work. That just me as I was, wasn’t enough.
Somewhere along the way, in my childhood, I had come to this conclusion.
Having just spent an hour talking to a teenage girl who is doing work experience with a local newspaper, I can’t even imagine the added pressures for young people today with the constant activity of social media, a tool which can be used positively but not always the case.
I would love to have shown my young self my blog now. Tell her and all the other anxious, worried young people how special they are, that they don't need to compare themselves to anyone else. That they have such power within themselves to do anything they can imagine.
Funnily enough this week I found a diary from when I was 12, that’s another day’s story, but it was proof that I had been carrying this feeling of “not good enough” a long time.
Last October when the Universe shook things up so hard that I had to pay attention, I became conscious of anger too. Anger at how this had happened, why had nobody fixed me or even tried, how had others let it go on so long?
But I've become so aware these last few weeks through my own experiences and conversations with others that
“We are not responsible for the happiness of others as they are not responsible for our happiness. Each of us is responsible for our own and we each have a choice every moment to decide how we feel.”
Past is past. I don’t claim to be an expert in life or in the Law of Attraction, all I know is my experience so far, and by focusing on feeling good, grateful and loving ; instead of stress, worry, scarcity and negativity, remarkable things have happened to me in a very short space of time.
Holding onto anger, pain, guilt and regret from the past kept me stuck.
Letting it go set me free.
This 6 month experience wasn’t about changing myself but a hope that I would someday be able to accept me for who I am and believe that I deserved to live an amazing life.
I received a gift of “How to Heal your life” by Louise Hay reading the first few pages yesterday she talks about how we can so often prevent ourselves from reaching our true potential by a single thought.
“I am not good enough”.
Me for sure, I dragged that belief around like a ball and chain for a long time always striving to do 100% more if I could and it never feeling good enough.
So to say that this has already been a personal success would be true, but life is always giving us lessons and I got another one this week.
Yesterday morning I slept later than normal, woke at 10am feeling very jittery, and like as if I had drank 20 espressos.
It has been a really busy few weeks, I have 6 runclubs at the moment, organising a group travelling to a race in Dublin this weekend, writing for a minimum of 3 (but often much more) hours a day, over the weekend began to get an increasing number of messages from people all over the world regarding the blog. The phone was continually beeping.
Along with the fact that I feel like I have been through an intensive therapy session since the 4th Feb, typical time period for rehab is 28 days though from my research last year Eating Disorders often require 35 days or more-
Throughout this rehab I have been both the patient and my own therapist.
As a(former) perfectionist and high achiever always beating myself up regardless there was from the start, always the possibility that this experience could turn into something similar.
For example when I won Student of the Year in college but felt a failure only winning the one voted for by tutors not fellow students, diagnosed as a Bulimic with anorexic tendencies aged 15 I was disappointed in myself that I hadn’t managed to be a “proper anorexic”.
Last week the phone was beginning to stay on longer than usual, I was starting check twitter lot's for favourites and retweets, hearing how the blog was helping others had me overthinking how I get it to reach more people that it might benefit.
Plus the normal busy life that comes with having children, being self-employed, emailing messaging long outside a 9-5 working day.
Monday night my phone came up to bed with me and I had a fitful sleep.
By yesterday evening I was exhausted, overstretched, actually felt like as if I was in a dream, an out of body feeling running around the track with the club, and knew I needed to take a step back, remember my reasons for starting this,
To live a better life.
Someone asked me on Monday “How do you switch off? How do you stop?”
I didn't really have an answer.
For me the thing that relaxes me, calms me and makes me feel so good is when I am most mindful. In the moment. But when you are go, go, go connected to the World through social media even if it makes you feel good at first it can't last, you wear out.
Real life is here and now. It is what is around us, the people we love and who love us. Things we can touch, taste and smell. In face to face conversations. In nature.
So after another restless night, this morning I made myself porridge,took out my new book (Thrive by Arianna Huffington) but stopped myself, instead of reading about how to be in the moment over breakfast. I would just be in it and taste and appreciate it. Even the steam rising from my tea seemed beautiful today.
It’s not about being perfect. If I stop blogging on Sundays so I can have one day not plugged into anything that’s ok, if I don’t always follow the 10 rules even change them, that’s ok. Every day won’t come with an amazing revelation but each day will be amazing.
I have already come further than I ever imagined. I can happily shout from the rooftops that I know now, that me, just me ,as I am is "enough" .
I deserve to live the life I want.
Now I really want to share this feeling with the world and I am putting my trust, belief and faith in the Universe that all will happen exactly as it should.
“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr