Sunday 1st March
“Success is achieved twice. Once in the mind and second time in the real world.”
Azim Premji - Indian Business tycoon
When I made the decision in January to actively try and recover from my Eating Disorder I knew that first I would need to be hand over the responsibility of my eating habits and training to somebody else. It felt too much to handle alone at that stage.
Probably one of the scariest things to do even think about it at the time, having used food control as a way to supress feelings of anxiety since I was a child my trust issues around food and anyone else having anything to do with it were non-existent. In the year previous I would have allowed no one to prepare my food let alone tell me what food I could eat. Now though since facing up to the fact there was a problem, my behaviour around food was causing me more anxiety than anything else. In December having only restricted food and not binged for years I was now caught in a constant cycle of purging after eating sometimes almost every meal. I was petrified of gaining more weight, consumed with feelings of guilt, shame; disgusted with myself. Locked in a very selfish world, it had become all-consuming and taken over everything.
I wanted to diet but knew I couldn’t trust myself to make the correct healthy food choices with my diet. My dream at this stage was to learn a healthier attitude towards food and hoped that maybe my self-esteem would improve also.
I told Amber that my goal was to be as “sustainably lean” as possible, I couldn’t even imagine this ever not being something that I would want and to be honest I would have accepted having to diet for the rest of my life if I could have some balance and stop the constant argument in my head.
It felt great being able to eat a wider range of foods but still have that level of control in knowing the breakdown of what I was eating and feeling that I was on the way to my physical goal.
When in addition to the guidance from Amber I started this experience on the 4th February, focusing on feeling good and trying to keep negativity from my thoughts;I started to notice the differences in how I felt about my body and starting to accept it,less of a need perhaps to set goals of how I wanted it to look.
Then the revelation, the life changer, and the day I sat here writing “Farewell Eating Disorder”
Since I wrote that post it’s been a bit I imagine like after a relationship ends, it’s been lingering around waiting for me to have a moment of weakness or doubt to get back with me. Stalking me, waiting for me to leave the door open so it could come inside.
By the time I went to Dublin for the night I felt relaxed and confident enough to experiment with no tracking for a night which in the end turned into a few days of no tracking, I felt good and more so started to realise that maybe I didn’t even want to be a “sustainable level of lean” anymore.
Was I was actually happy with me the way I am?
I had started visualising myself the way I wanted to feel, around food and around my body.
Visualisation works really well for me.
So I will imagine myself at a social occasion or even in my own house, just eating when I need to or want to eat. Not obsessing about what it is. I could see myself relaxed and happy feeling comfortable in my clothes, not agitated or imagining that things are tighter. Fit and healthy. I started to do this every day.
I was definitely feeling more relaxed but after two slightly more stressful days last week when I could feel familiar feelings want to return (it had its foot in the door) I emailed Amber saying I definitely still needed the control of tracking. This was Thursday and we agreed that I would carry on, put in one consistent week of counting take photo and measurements and go from there.
So what happened?
Well I started off on Fri putting my meals into My Fitness pal app but by the end of the day didn’t really feel like I wanted to. Yesterday I didn’t count a single calorie and felt good. Finally I’m listening to my body and it’s telling me what it needs, had a piece of lasagne at a friend’s today.
Lasagne….pasta, cheese red meat…Unheard of! It was lovely but it just didn’t feel like a big deal. I hadn’t intended eating it, then it was offered and I was peckish so and before I knew it I was eating it.
Then I had such a sense of Déjà vu. Sitting in her kitchen, I was in my visualisation.
I had seen it, imagined it, believed it was possible and now it was happening.
Change is possible for us all.
This morning, I sent Amber an email saying that I don’t want to track anymore. Feel’s a bit like I should be cracking open bottles of champagne. When I started researching recovery from eating disorders last year I was devastated when I continually read how it was one of the most difficult cycles/addictions to break, that the longer you’ve had it the harder it would be to recover from. I realised I had been monitoring and controlling food since I was at least 9 years old. Now 35 it all felt quite overwhelming and hopeless at times. Like I keep saying I am no expert in the Law of Attraction nor am I trying to persuade anyone that it works, all I know is that in 26 days the change to my life is beyond anything I dreamt was possible.
Some people tell me that I will always have an eating disorder that I will just learn to live with it and deal with it. Mostly I think because they want to protect me from disappointment if it all goes to pot! But I will agree to disagree with them on this one.
Faced with the choice of spending each day inadvertently focusing on it by being in recovery or letting it go and visualising my future without it.
I’m going to go with the latter. Letting go.
Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things we hold inside that damage us. Maybe it was easier for me to hold onto it, let it hold me back from a better life, a (maybe subconscious) excuse to not step outside of my comfort zone and risk going for the life I wanted to live in case it didn’t work out.
I’m going for that life now, I’ve already begun living it and I know that everything is going to be the way I’ve seen it.
“The process of creation is the same for all things, whether you want to bring something to you or remove something negative from your life.
If you have a habit you wish to break, or anything negative you wish to remove from your life, you must focus on what you want. That means you visualize and imagine yourself in that negative-free state right now. Imagine yourself in as many scenes as you possibly can where the negative situation is completely absent. Imagine yourself happy and free. Eliminate any picture from your mind of you with the negative situation. Just imagine yourself in the state you want to be in, and feel that you are that, right now.”
Rhonda Byrne- The Secret Daily Teachings