Friday 6th February 2015
I woke at 4.30am in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. Went to the toilet, got a drink turned my pillow. Sleep wouldn’t come. There were butterflies in my stomach I wanted to be up and starting the day. I last felt like this in August “I wake with butterflies of excitement every day” a poster from my talk and to be feeling this again is quite something.
While the point and focus of this blog and 6 month experience is positivity I will be sharing my experiences and struggles with anxiety and an Eating disorder. For me the fact that I have been able and still am transitioning from a difficult and sad place to how I feel now is amazing and it is the tools that I have learned and been able to put into practice that have made this possible.
The smallest things can make the biggest difference.
On the 31st December last year I had been away in the UK at a Christmas gathering being surrounded by party buffets had massively increased my anxiety. I had text Christian saying..
“3 days of eating did neither my body or mind any good. I have hit rock bottom, don’t think I am going to be able to go back to work.”
And to a friend “I am so conscious of my appearance, people seeing me fills me with dread.”
6 weeks later I am awake at 4.30 wanting to jump out of bed and get started. Also going out for and looking forward to a meal tomorrow night. When I sent those messages I wouldn’t have walked down the Main Street.
Spend 5 minutes each night before I sleep visualizing my future and all I want to achieve until it is so clear it feels as if it has already happened.
This is something I started doing in August when I first read the Secret and the results were amazing. For a long time I would have had a pretty clear idea in my mind of what I wanted in my life but like I said before felt as if I was taking one step forward two steps back.
My downfall here was that I spent too much time focusing on all the nitty gritty, the how’s and whys?
A lot of the time we won’t even allow ourselves the chance to allow ourselves think about the life we once dreamed of. Restricted by not enough money, time and too many responsibilities. Believing the people who live amazing lives are the lucky ones.
Children believe that everything is possible but slowly life and circumstances tend to chip away at that and we settle.
The first step in the visualization process is to think of the end result whatever it is you want. It can be anything something you want to own, a way you want to feel, something you want to do. Then forget about all logical thoughts or practicalities and focus on the feeling. How you would feel when it happened and keep focusing on that. When I do this I get a physical reaction, sometimes my heart will race and I get goose bumps.
Imagine if I told you today that you had won the lotto but wouldn’t be getting the money for 2 weeks it wouldn’t matter that you didn’t have the money yet you would feel the excitement & happiness as if you already had it.So before I fall asleep I spend at least 5 minutes visualizing what it is that I want to happen until it feels as if it's a memory. This one is staying private for a while. It’s written down since last August and in a sealed envelope that I will open when it materialises.
There is nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself at first, you can easily become disheartened by people who will think you are crazy or have notions of grandeur for believing such things about yourself.
Two visions I will share though.
The first is purely materialistic. I love Audi A6’s particularly white. In the Secret there is a part that describes how you can look at the back of your hands then close your eyes and see them holding the steering wheel of the car you desire. As well as doing this I printed a picture of the interior and onto the vision board it went. I decided that white Audis would be a sign to me that I am on the right loving frequency so whenever I see one it’s a reminder of how good I can feel.
The second vision that had a huge effect on me was when I made the decision give my first ever motivational talk on the 4th September in the Mullingar Park Hotel. This only gave me a couple of weeks to prepare but I was literally bursting with the desire to share what I had learned, how I was feeling hoping that others could feel it too. Pretty much sums up how I feel now too and part of the reason for this blog.
I have never printed any business cards so when it was suggested to me to advertise I didn’t really know where to start and decided against it. I would email people I knew and put a post on Facebook letting word of mouth do the rest. People thought I was crazy. Not because they didn’t want me to do well but because they wanted to save me from the disappointment of empty seats. Negativity often stems from well meaning.
All I can tell you is that I could see the room full in my head. Every time I thought of the talk I would see that room. The first booking seated 80 idea was to seat it for 50 with chairs stacked at the back I said to seat it for 80. Now it’s not that I was big headed just knew that if I focused on what I wanted –a full room- it would happen. Equally if I focused on what I didn’t want-empty seats -that is what would happen.
No tickets or confirmation just options of a charity donation so I had no way of tracking even a possible number when people asked me how many I thought would come. I’d just say “it will be full.”
The first room turned out to be booked so it moved to a bigger room then if my memory serves me same again. I took it as a sign the universe was responding to my request.
So fast forward Thursday 4th September the room is set up for 150 people. All day the little thoughts that people might not come kept trying to sneak in but I wouldn’t let them….it was as if the words were flying in front of my eyes “No one will….” would appear but I’d cut it off and replace it with the thought of how grateful I was for everyone for coming, what a success it would be, to my friends for their support in the organisation, the sound, the video, the beautiful venue and my family for believing in me.
Leaving the room empty I sat outside at the back of the hotel to wait. On a plastic chair with my headphones on my theme tune “Changing” Paloma Faith playing. The sky was so blue and I felt so calm, in my mind I imagined the room full and the sound of people chatting amongst themselves.
Then it was time and exactly as I had seen, standing outside the door I could hear it was busy. As the sound guy fixed my microphone I felt so full of happiness and gratitude.
I will never forget that night for the rest of my life and will always be so grateful to everyone that was a part of it. A constant reminder that what we believe we receive.
I believe that everyone deserves to live an amazing life
“Success is achieved twice. Once in the mind and the second time in the real world.” Azim Premji Indian Business Tycoon. The Hero by Rhonda Byrne