Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Day 21.Today I fell, we all fall but we can get back up.

Day 21
Tuesday 24th February
Rule #9 do my best to follow these rules for the next 6 months, not pressure myself to be perfect at it & blog honestly every day of the experience.
Out of all the rules this is probably the hardest for me, not following the rules or blogging honestly but not pressuring myself to be perfect at it.
I have always been a perfectionist and I have always put pressure on myself. The good thing about this is that I am efficient, I get things done. Every job I have ever had I have worked my hardest regardless of whether my pay was high or low.
The downside is that perfection doesn’t exist so by setting the bar higher and higher sometimes I wear myself out, which is what happened on Sunday it did turn out to be an amazing day and taught me that if I don’t keep myself filled up with good feelings and treat myself kindly, practice what I preach I'll crash.
A similar thing happened today. I had just been to the gym feeling fantastic and I posted on Instagram and Facebook how good it felt to be there for the pleasure not to burn off bad foods. How I felt happy loving me for me. All true.
By the time I got home a sort of sadness and weariness had set in, a combination of having worked out and needing food I know; but more than that, whispering in my ear that old familiar voice “really Hannah? Do you really feel like that about yourself?” I stood in front of the mirror and tried to get that good feeling but it didn’t come. I didn’t think bad thoughts about myself  though I kind of wanted to,but I didn’t feel good ones either.
The day after I wrote the “Farewell to eating Disorder” post, I felt a bit nervous and I couldn’t quite work out why. It was such a positive experience.
I know now that it was the perfectionist in me wondering is it true? Can I really be recovered and after sharing with everyone such an amazing positive story, what if I relapsed, failed and let everyone following my journey down.
Today I fell down, self-doubt started to creep in, wondering am I able to do this? Will all I want to achieve, my dreams and visualisations come true?
 They will.  I know it.Life isn’t about being perfect, when I’m tired, hungry or stressed anxiety and my Eating Disorder are going to try to worm their way back in but I know that I have the strength and power within me and the Law of Attraction at my side.

 Falling isn’t failing it is living and learning.
If you are going through a difficult time believe me when I tell you that it can be better, it’s never going to be perfect. But not only can it be better it can be amazing. You deserve it to be.
Every day has its hurdles. There’s nobody who wakes up in the morning without something wrong physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Accept the fact that you’re going to have hurdles. Everybody has them. People say, “Why me?” Why not you?” Peter Burwash Motivational Speaker
Taken from Hero by Rhonda Byrne
21 days in and since starting this I have only had 2 of these dips, before, the way I felt today would have led to me binging,over exercising maybe both then hiding away.
 I am going to spend this afternoon filling myself up with love and happiness.  Hot shower maybe an afternoon nap with my sweet cat Lilly; Leon wants to teach me to play Minecraft, tonight a double episode of Don’t tell the Bride (a guilty pleasure of Jess & I) then Mary Portas Secret Shopper!
Just writing this has already helped, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read it. My friend Fi  a wonderful holistic therapist say’s that I am healing myself, I know that I am also being healed through the sheer will of people wanting the best for me.
Thank you for all the messages of support. One I was sent last week helped me today. I was feeling particularly  brilliant on the day I received it and couldn’t even imagine having a down day.
Just now I thought of it and read it again.
“Hi Hannah. I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job. It’s not an easy thing every day to keep positive and motivated because we all have our worries or obstacles. Each day you send out a message it will strike a chord with somebody that might just need help. So keep doing what you’re doing and on your down days…just think of this message. Keep strong”
Reading that here at my beautiful kitchen table, listening to Coldplay and looking out at the trees blowing in the breeze, I got back up.