Friday 20th February
Back home at the laptop after spending a lovely night in Dublin.Pinching myself that this is really happening. I knew that starting to follow the rules I had learned from reading the Secret would make a difference, but I never expected that 17 days in so much would have changed.
I was going to post about Rule #8 Be Kind in fact it’s half written but going to tell you about my night away instead
My Aunt Fiona was flying in from England to spend one night with me, “One night only?” most people say but it works for us, without going into detail I will say she is an extraordinary women who knows only too well how life can change in a split second. I am becoming more and more aware of how we can only be sure that we have this very moment and that I want to spend each one feeling the best I can.
A night away would normally mean weeks of worrying about what I’d eat, a constant argument in my head as to whether yes or no was the answer to the question “Do I deserve a starter, a dessert, a scone, a chip, a slice of toast?” on and on it would go day after day hour after hour. Thinking so much about food would then make me feel greedier. One way that I might allow myself a break from the rigidness would be by putting in an extra workout or two. If I did go over whatever my daily food allowance was it would generally end up in a secret binge as I’d think “sure I’ve broken the rules now”. Then the shame and loathing. So the cycle of my life has been for a long time, coming to a head after the competition in what would be the darkest and most painful months of my life.
Feeling so different this week I was actually really excited about this night away, but will admit a little nervous that it was too good to be true. I could feel the presence of my Eating disorder lingering in the background, maybe waiting for a moment of self doubt to pounce, knocking on the window and I knew that this was a test in my journey to see if I would let it in again or not. Making me even more conscious of my 10 rules and implementing them.
I set my alarm early wanting to post blog before I left, feeling sleepy I wondered whether or not to head to the gym or get in a quick at home workout but decided against it may as well go all out no exercise and no food tracking.
Instead I spent time getting ready. Since starting to be kind to my reflection I’ve even become a fan of mirrors and it really is a priceless to be able to see the good in myself. As a child up until I was about 8 I’d stand in front of them admiring how I looked. Imagining I was a model, princess or accepting an Oscar. N atural in children but not many adults would admit to feeling like that now even if they did afraid of being seen as full of themselves.
If I imagine my Eating disorder and anxiety as having been a giant in my life, a huge shadow that covered every part of it each time I make a break through it is as if it shrinks a little. This week was a huge deal for me by letting it go. No morning workout and it shrunk. Smiling at my reflection. Shrunk.
Focusing on how I want to feel not focusing on the negative “Why did I get like this? What damage have I done to those around me? How many years have I wasted?” like I said yesterday guilt and regret just focus on the things you don’t want. It’s done. Let it go.
My bag was packed and a book that had been recommended to me as good but a bit heavy I took out, felt like a nice glossy magazine instead. The train was packed and standing it was good to see kindness as people stood to let older people take their seats. I thought how much I’d appreciate the seat on the bus to the airport.
It was indeed lovely to sit down and my popcorn and cappuccino tasted all the better for it. Still no voice in my head about the cappuccino. I hadn’t taken calories in through drinks in at least 10 years (bar the odd alcoholic beverage) until last week. Black coffee, black tea and water.
When I concentrate on being in the moment it is as if every experience is heightened, walking along Dame Street linking arms with Fiona was I was so aware of the colour of the sky, the feeling of the cold air on my face and an immense feeling of gratitude.
Even in the taxi earlier sitting in traffic especially heavy due to water charge protests it would have been easy to start complaining about the fare clocking up, the heater being too stuffy, the rain outside but we didn’t we sat back chatted and enjoyed each other’s company. When a song from Dirty Dancing came on and I sang loudly in the back seat I hope it brightened the taxi drivers day gave him a laugh. I do not possess the voice of an angel.
Our hotel room was perfect with a view of Christ church cathedral. Dinner delicious. We shared a dessert.
Breakfast the same no desire to overeat or have “forbidden” foods for the sake of it. The shadow was only there in my mind wondering would it return. It didn't. Smaller. Smaller. Gone.
Walking along just enjoying the moment I again got this feeling of being filled with love my fingers actually tingle... now this is going to sound mad (Christian told me that is no way to start a sentence when I relayed this to him after getting off the train!) but I’ve been getting this feeling a lot lately and each time it happens it is followed by a message or a conversation with someone telling me the difference this blog has made to them.
I didn’t want to sound big-headed saying I feel I can help people by sharing this journey, but to make even one person feel less alone or able to make a small change to improve their life would have been incredible and hearing the response has been amazing.
It feels like I am becoming a magnet for opportunity and happiness and I know that the force of so many people wishing me well is playing an enormous part in this. I have cried more than once today at the things people have said to me through messages and also to my face.
P.S Here’s one for the Law of Attraction.
Today I fell in love. Truly madly deeply, heart racing love. With a dress in the window of Oxfam in George’s Street. It doesn’t go on sale until tomorrow morning. I left my number and if it doesn’t sell they will keep it for me. Before I would have tried so hard to work out the logistics to get my hands on it but I know that if it’s meant to be, one way or another the universe will put us together.
Yesterday I thought about the blog reaching the people that it needs to and left it with the universe instead of overthinking how I do that and today all of a sudden it got mentioned and retweeted on twitter. The glossy magazine I purchased at the last minute at Connolly station says to email them details if you would like a chance to have your blog featured so I'll do just that.
“Thoughts become things” The Secret